Hello there readers, I write this via a very slow laptop. My PC at the moment isn’t near me. My room over December/Christmas is getting repainted, and new carpeting. So most of my gear is not in my room currently. So I’ve got some down time and have this old laptop, thought I’d write a blog 🙂
Tomorrow for me is Christmas, and I thought why not do a Reflections blog on 2017, as well as what I’d like to see happen for me in the New Year.
There’s been a lot of negative things that impacted my life this year, it sent me way into an abyss of depression and even more problems. You all know most of it by now. Family went through changes, there was a lot of stress. It didn’t help my panic attacks. This year was a new thing for me, to have panic attacks. I’m glad that as of right now I don’t experience much of those sorts of feelings or any signs that panic attacks will occur. I’m glad for that. Wasn’t a great experience and it affected a few things.
I used to be heavily involved in the streaming service Twitch. Some things impacted my time there, and I had to take a break from it. I missed a lot of people, lot of friends as well as losing people as well. I’m really thankful that there are a group of people who I can still call my friend after this year, people who have supported me throughout my depression. They were there when I wanted someone, but also respected that I needed some space and wanted to be on my own to deal with what was happening.
But if I can take anything from this year, there’s been one person, one incredible guy that I’ve talked a lot about in my blogs, and I never named him and I realise it might make me seem ashamed or that I didn’t want to refer to him. But no, it was simply I didn’t want to embarrass him or call him out for others to comment on. I’ve always been a protector of him, but as he says, I protect him too much.
Some of you will know, his name is Roan. He’s a wonderful person who I had the great privilege of knowing this year. We did have a relationship as you would know reading my blogs, or just knowing me. The negative things that were happening in my life, didn’t help our relationship and it ended. I never blamed him for leaving, never will. It did hurt, it will still hurt. But the time we’ve spent together as close friends has been something amazing to me.
He’s done a lot for me, he’s that type of personality I really needed in my life, to help me, snap me out of things. He really wanted better for me, and fought hard to tell me “Rob, you deserve to be happy because you’re an amazing person”. It took a while for me to get it, but he himself is incredible and he fought and fought and did exactly what it took for me to be happier, for me to be a better person. I’ll always be grateful to have him in my life. He is forever special to me, it won’t ever change. Maybe he’ll decide to remove me from his life, I hope not, because not being a relationship with him, isn’t what hurts. It is if he had ever left my life, that would hurt beyond words and emotion.
Someone like Roan, doesn’t come around very often. Anyone whose had the chance to talk with him or really get to know him, you just know how special he is. How much he just lights up a room, makes anyone smile. That’s just Roan, he just brings a lot of life and care wherever he goes, and can’t help but make others around him happy. If he doesn’t make you happy, then you truly have no idea about him, you really don’t know him, or appreciate him if you aren’t smiling when he is around. So to anyone, for anyone who has the privilege to spend any time with him, really cherish it. I certainly do. He’s a once in a lifetime person.
So saying that, Roan helping me, making such an impact on my life, this locked away heart of mine. I know what kind of person I deserve in my life in terms of a relationship. I look forward to the future. I hope a relationship is out there for me. With the break down, and rebuilding of myself. I really want a guy that makes an impact, I want someone whose going to care about me and love me, stay with me for a long while. You know, I’ve had one of the best in Roan and it would be insulting to me and to Roan if I ended up being with someone who wasn’t as good. I don’t want a second best. I want someone whose going to be on that level or higher. I think I deserve that. I need someone to make a statement, I don’t want to settle for anything less. Not anymore, time to be smarter.
I’ve also had tremendous friends this year, whose also been supportive, whose cared a lot about what I’ve gone through, the time I’ve needed to deal with things, they’ve always been there for me and will always love those friends. Without them, I wouldn’t know what would of happened to me. There’s a lot of care and love I have for those who have stuck around in my life. There’s some who I know, who are friends on face value. I’m sick of friends who say one thing to me, and another behind my back. I’m glad I find out. They don’t need to be in my life then, what matters is what makes me happy and what makes others who want to be around me happy.
So looking forward… looking to the future. 2018… won’t be long until my birthday, that is usually at the start of the year, so glad to get it out of the way haha. I’d love to get more involved on twitch again, start streaming again maybe. I’ve got some people who’d love to see me stream again. I got gifted a capture card, so console gaming, some things that are more fun to play, I’d love to do on streams. We will see, only time can tell. Plus I need to start a career of my own, start working. I can’t wait to see those opportunities, where I’ll end up, the people I’ll meet. Should be different.
I end this, hoping everyone has a great Christmas with their loved ones. For me, I don’t have loved ones much. Don’t have much of a family these days. So my Christmas, is continuing to paint my bedroom, get all my stuff back in I hope soon. I miss my computer haha. So there won’t be much of a Christmas for me this year. I just hope everyone else has a great time.
This has been fun this year writing blogs, I certainly hope to keep writing them next year. Thank you for those who have been on this journey with me, and look forward to who stays with me both here, and in my personal life.
Have a good holidays everyone o/