Hello my wonderful people. I originally wanted to start back writing a blog about happiness and what it means to me in this world. But as I was writing it I started reflecting on this year and the tests I’ve faced. So I wanted to share that with you today. Whether it is someone reading this to get a better understanding of me, or if you go through some of this yourself and learn from each other. I just want to express myself in a way that is therapeutic, as well as trying to connect.
I started reflecting and started wondering what has been so bad about me this year. I got thinking about all the things that have happened, and all its challenges. It’s been a year so far that’s been like no other for me and its been different to comprehend.
in the first quarter of this year my family faced something that was unexpected. My Father’s workplace, whom he has worked there for 30+ years, was shutting down. My Dad would find himself for the first time, in so many decades, without a job. It was difficult to comprehend that, it was very strange to me. Since I was a kid growing up, Dad had worked the same shifts, did the same work, for my entire life. Suddenly that was coming to an end and it is hard to process him doing anything else. There was a lot of stress of the unknown for my family, my Mother certainly having insecurities was very stressed out and taking it out like she does, its her way of coping. Added pressures onto me, but I wanted to be there for my family. Though because it was the unknown, and not knowing what to do, my priorities were up the shit. I just so badly wanted to make people happy, keep a constant, cling onto something that was “the norm” for me at any cost. But it ended up costing me. At the moment my family seems optimistic, we are okay, but it still will be tough until my father can get some sort of stability in a workplace once more.
Another test has come more psychologically, as I over indulged one night and my body didn’t like it. I had all these pains in my chest and I had worked myself up so much, stressed so badly, that even when I went to hospital and got checked out, everything was fine, but my mind didn’t accept it. My family history on my father’s side, has included heart problems. I traumatized myself so much that night, that I believed I was going to die from heart complications. This stress, this panic, ended up damaging me psychologically that I started having anxiety attacks, then to full blown panic attacks. For a LONG few months, I could hardly leave the house, go shopping, or go out and watch a movie without me having some form of an attack. My mind was so focused on my heart rate, that it is all that I could think about. Every time I felt my heart beat, I ended up making it beat faster, and thus causing panic, making it beat faster. That would lead up to an anxiety/panic attack. These attacks could last up to 10 minutes to 45 minutes. It was one of the hardest things to go through, to calm myself down and get through them. Thankfully, and yes truly thankful that I don’t experience them as much or often. I’m glad that I was strong enough to retrain my thinking and calm down, and my heart feels better now. There’s lingering effects, but I know I can work through them head on.
Going through that time, opened up a bit of a Pandora’s Box in terms of emotion. During the hard time I had, there was surprises in terms of the friendships that I had made. Being on twitch as a viewer and a moderator. It was a lot of my time being spent on there. I felt like this is all I had, there was a job to do and that’s all I could ever do. I would wake up, spend some time to myself, maybe a couple of hours, and then go onto twitch. My “work day” started, that I was watching streams, that I was moderating for channels, and that would go into the way early mornings before I’d go to sleep again. I wanted so much to ignore what was happening in my life, that I was just doing things for other people. I didn’t focus to much on myself, when it really counted. My priorities were all over the place, my emotions were bottled, because I wanted to help others. I let things happen that maybe should not of happened. I had blinded myself to too many things, because I wasn’t happy, but making others happy, I could live through that. All those bottled emotions, not dealing with them properly. Came out in a different form, that made me not seem as good of a person anymore. I lost who I was, and not since my early 20’s did I suffer a really bad depression. The depression got to that point again, that I was self harming just to silence my thoughts. My mind was going through all these negative emotions, and fears, that to stop and get a break from it, I went back to self harming.
I’m not proud of myself for that, it certainly was getting dangerous, how often I would self harm. For a solid week, it was nothing but harming myself and crying. Just to let out all these emotions. I find myself as a person, that has TOO many interests. For the average person they can take their emotions and channel that into something creative, or something they like doing to work out their negative feelings, and turn them positive. I really for a long time, forgot who I was. Those negative feelings were channeled into even more negative actions and emotions. It affected how I looked at the world, how I looked at twitch, the friends I had made, and I lost what was close to me.
I pushed people away, saying I’m alone, no one should be there to help me. But that was making me alone, which was counter intuitive. My mind didn’t know how else to handle such things that were happening. What was wrong with me, was I thought something was wrong with me. I couldn’t see what I had, I see now what I have, it was just at the time such a thick cloud around me that made me feel claustrophobic that I just pushed everything away to get space. Because of things going wrong, I took it personally when I shouldn’t have. The things that were happening were not my fault, but I took it as though it was. Which was essentially the problem. I keep letting my past effect me, I let it hold me back in a way it feels like I can not break free from it. I often feel like I don’t deserve to be happy because huge parts of my life has not been positive. I’m afraid to be happy, I feel it’s some how wrong for me to be happy. I’m afraid, just, scared to let go.
I want people not to make these mistakes. That when bad stuff happens, it happens. We need to process it, and learn from it. I’m working my way to try and think of things in different ways before I instantly think bad of it. Stuff happens and there’s multiple reasons why they do. It doesn’t always mean its because of you. The things that were going on, I blamed myself for it, and it turned out to be bad for me, because I let that happen. We need to think more of why some things happen, it isn’t always your fault. We need to understand that we can make things positive, even when we feel defeated or down. We need to take a step back and think, is this happening because of something I did wrong, or is it a problem they are going through. It can really help us not take things too personally and react so strongly so quickly. It’s worth taking some time to understand the situation properly and not act too fast.
I learned, we have more than one friend for a reason. In this crazy life, we make, hopefully, a few friends. I made a mistake of having one friend, hear all my negative emotions all the time. I realize that being on the other end of that, its very unfair on them. They like/love you for a reason, and when talking bad about yourself constantly, or feeling like that other person can’t help you. It breaks their heart. That person you are, that they like/love, fades away and it hurts them to see that in you. It hurts them to see you in pain, because they care so much about you, that they feel that pain just as much as you do.
I bring this up, because I learned when you’ve got a few friends, who love you and want to support you. If you’re going through something that is difficult. Take these problems/issues/concerns bit by bit, and work through them with different friends, and they will help you. One friend can help with one set of issues, and another friend can help you with others. And suddenly, you’ve got this network, and all these issues and concerns you have, is spread out and worked on so much more easily. You’ll feel better, faster, and get back to being who you are meant to be. So you can enjoy your time with your friends doing what you all love. Don’t put everything onto one person, because its a lot of them as well to see, and it can hurt them as much as its hurting you.
I don’t want to end this piece, suggesting I’m negative or depressed and that I don’t like myself. I learned through these experiences that I’m still a strong person. I’m learning more of who I am, and that I shouldn’t be afraid anymore. I love stuff about me, even though I have a hard time describing who I am. But who cares? You know, being someone whose diverse, and open to a lot of things, is a great thing. Means there’s ample room to experience and explore this wonderful life.
I always say to people I hate having an ego, but then again, I don’t really say what I like about myself, I always say what I don’t like. Well, you should do this along with me, just when you are feeling down, say something you like about yourself. Enjoy the things that are you.
Stuff I love about me, is that I’m a very honest person. I say what I need to say, and its always the truth. People like that about me, but can also hate that about me. Well I say, If I gave you shit covered in sprinkles and called it a cupcake, would you appreciate that as much? Obviously not, I’m sure you’d want actual cupcakes. So if I feel telling you certain truths in the style I tell you is helpful to you, then I bloody well will tell you how it is. I love being myself, what you see is what you get. No on can dispute how I talk, what I’m like and who I am. It also helps that, the people out there that want to do damage, can’t. If someone wants to lie about me to someone else who knows me, that person will go, “well that doesn’t sound like Rob at all”. That’s because, I am only me. I can’t be anyone else. So I express myself openly. I enjoy just being me and laying it all out there. Its why I do these blogs, I like being able to express myself and hopefully that someone can take lessons from me, and my mistakes, or just learn more about and understand about certain issues.
So I’ll end this reflection piece, and say to you. BE YOURSELF, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from your friends. Take a step back, think about situations more clearly. Say to yourself “is this worth getting upset over”, and also think about how you can resolve situations. Don’t loose yourself, don’t loose your friends. Enjoy your life, its the only life you have. You are the only you in this world, its a rare thing to have someone like you. There is only one you!