Life So Far… First Love

So, a few days ago I was going to write one blog post about my life so far. But as I got into it, I started to enjoy writing and writing. So it has turned into a multi-part blog post. I was going to write first about my sexuality and growing up as a gay man. Especially a guy who is different from most straight males, but also different from most gay males also. Though I will talk about that in a future post. To the future…

Anyways, as I first came into knowing who I was as a gay man in a dominated straight person country society. I knew my life was going to be, different, and a struggle. To be accepted amongst others where I lived. Until I used the internet to my advantage and used “dating sites”. I started exploring and found one guy who was gay, who liked me for me, started talking online having a good time. Until one day we met for the first time, and it was like magic. We both met each other, had a great time and that was one of many great meetings.

He was a guy who had a past, an involved past with his own medical and psychological conditions. He was a great guy who showed me that it was OK that I was a gay man, and that I was allowed to be me… because I had felt like in my country town that I could not be me, that it was wrong to be gay. I would constantly hide away who I was most of the time in fear of how people would react to me. But he made me feel great about myself, and who I was.

Learning that he had cystic fibrosis, schizophrenia and other conditions, did not stop me from knowing the person on the inside. What I learned on the inside was a wonderful person, so great to hang out with. And what he showed me as a gay person, and what he showed me as a person in general. I will never forget. We would spend what felt like every other weekend together. We became so close that I met his family, his grand mother (who meant the most to him). Even started to share a bed together. But just as friends, which seems odd right?

A complicated bond, or relationship formed over the months. With him having cystic fibrosis he would end up in the hospital every month for many days. Each time I would visit that hospital and sit on his bed. I would just be myself, and create a zone that felt like we weren’t in hospital at all. We would just sit there, watch movies on a laptop, or sneakily leave the hospital and go for a drive in the city of Melbourne for a while. Which tisk tisk we weren’t really meant to do. Though staying in a hospital for many days was depressing for him and I just wanted to keep him feeling a way that he could continue the hospital treatments. Anyone who knows this condition, it meant that many hospital visits to make sure lung function was OK and that he got the treatment he needed to keep himself alive. Sometimes he was so tired of doing all this routine and being trapped in a hospital that I wanted to be there for him. Keep him somewhat happy, and knowing that someone was there for him.

This complicated relationship, I started to call a “marriage without sex”, because we were so close to one another. I trusted him so much, and loved him so much. Though I found out early that he was a guy, who could not keep a relationship. He felt that, doing anything physical with someone that he would get bored with them and that he would leave. He did not want to do that to me. He wanted to keep me in his life, because I was special to him, and I understood that. He did not want to loose me from his life, though as a man and someone that I was in love with, I wanted the full experience.

For most of the time, I was a virgin, and felt that he did not want me because I was. So in some strange way, I felt that me being a virgin was an issue. I started to explore more of online dating, and social media. A friend of mine that I had also known, I got him to take my virginity, I told this guy about it. It did not seem enough. So I started to use apps like Grindr, and fucked more guys to gain experience, and I got more depressed thinking “Why am I not desirable?” and “Why doesn’t he want me in that way?”. I started to have like a very “deviant” sex life, with a few different men, because I thought that’s what “he” wanted, to have someone experienced so he was not bored. I was literally being sucked off in an outdoor area, with no emotion because I wanted him so badly as a full relationship, but needed that experience. I was feeling numb to sex.

This guy who I felt so much love for… got raped by an ex relationship, another male. He felt so much trust in me, that I was the only male he’d ever want to be around. All I was feeling, and thinking was, is he OK and what does he want me to do, to feel safe and to feel that he won’t be attacked again by another male. I remember spending so much time with him shaking, scared, and filled with so many nightmares when we were in the same bed. It was a troubling time, all I thought about was his best interest and what can I do to make him feel safe in this world again, and introduce slowly what we would do together and what we would do in the city in public. It did not take long for him to become more confident and gain that courage as a person to be himself again.

This were great, I loved being with his family, I loved being around him and so many, many, many weekends together. Even weeks in his families beach house. All that we did together. I was met with many disappointments. During my 21st birthday, he could not make it, but was able to be there for someone else. The times where I was very suicidal and in hospital, he could not make it because of someone else. All those times I wanted to give up, he could not be there as he would make some excuse. I always gave him leeway because of his condition, though there was times he could of been there but preferred to be somewhere else. He would prefer to be with some “fling” some man that was the “current” boyfriend or fuck buddy until he was bored of them. He would rather be fucking some random person that to help me when I was having a hard time.

All the things, that I did for him. The hospital visits, being there what seemed like all night. The weekends, and week that we would spend together. The family events we would share. It seemed that when I needed him most, he would rather be with some “fuck buddy” instead. I felt like some… back up boyfriend.

When he decided that he “really wanted to try” and be with a guy, really wanted to make a relationship work. He told me that we could not share a bed anymore, and do what we normally did. I felt, I did not know what I felt, because every other “boyfriend” he had, we would still kiss, and cuddle, and share a bed together while we sleep. Though this time it “was different” and all of these things we did together due to how close we were. I could not? Now this was someone who gave me a key… a key to his flat he was living at, and a key to his car. That is how close we were, that he trusted me that much. Though suddenly we could not be that close, due to some random guy he had just met?

So that was an adjustment, I was really depressed. That some random person, who hardly knows anything about him, took “my spot” and was the most important person to him. It was hard, but I accepted that he wanted to make a relationship work, I respected that he needs his life and for him to be happy. If me being his partner was not it for him, than that is fine. I would continue to be a friend… until that relationship between him and this other guy did not work out. Then he told me, “So Rob come up to the family house and stay the weekend.” I was like “OK sure, but where would I sleep?” He said to me “While in my bed with me of course.” – I did not know what to think, for many months I was not allowed to be near him or in the same bed as him, but when his relationship failed. I was suddenly given the OK to be in the same bed again? I felt like I was nothing but a “back up” boyfriend to him. That I was only there to fill some sort of void when he did not have a relationship that he wanted. He would treat me like such a partner, but could not take that extra step to actually be with me. That I was someone he could turn “on and off” as a partner so he was not alone all the time. I felt used, after all we been through. That he’d treat me as some sort of person he could rely on, until he got someone else to satisfy him in other ways. And when the relationship failed he could rely on my to fill certain voids.

So I had to make a tough decision, for me to move on, for me to have a life of my own. I had to leave it, and him all behind. I do not regret it, but I certainly miss someone who I really loved, but was someone who would not love me in the same way, nor take the leap to take that extra step to be an actual couple. I felt very much like I was some sort of “back up” boyfriend while he had no one else. It was very hard to walk away from, because he was that first love I ever had. But there is no point right? to stay with someone who would treat you like a “back up” partner, who gave you keys to their life, but did not want to ACTUALLY be with you?

So all those great memories, which I do keep close to me… I miss, because what seemed like a great partnership, was more or less, me being a secondary, or back up, partner while he was alone. That will always be with me, will always hurt, I will always love… but I needed to have my own life with someone, and not be “on call” as a faux boyfriend when someone else is single.