So… Trying out the blog thing on other sites, didn’t work out that well. Getting spam follows, etc, etc. I thought I’d start over on WordPress 🙂
Being as this is my first post here, I wanted to talk about my life and introduce myself a little.
My life has been one of a lot of twists and turns, like most persons lives are. But this is just my story, it is not a story of me feeling sorry for myself or “boohoo” it is just what it is.
I’ll start first with my parents, my mother whom suffered a back injury when I was at the age of five. She was in hospital a lot with nerve damage and a slipped disk, which required a fusion surgery to be performed. So because of that she spent a few chapters, lets say, of my childhood in a bed. She’s always felt bad about that, that she could not do the motherly things a child needs when growing up. So a lot of the “love and affection” children would grow up with, I did not entirely had. I don’t blame my mother for that, as it was not her fault. What happened, happened and I love my Mum regardless. It just meant me growing up as a person was a little different than most.
My Father was a blue collar hard worker, who wanted to provide a roof over his family’s head. His work is known as shift work, and four days at a time I would not see him, and the other four days he was trying to catch up on life looking after Mum taking care of the house. So he’d be tired and not entirely sociable, which isn’t his fault either. It meant for me that another parent I didn’t get the normal “father and son” experience. So that effected the development of me as a person. Though I do love my Dad for what he does for me and my Mum, without him we wouldn’t have a good home living comfortably, if not a little spoilt at times.
So as a child growing up, it was different and hard most of the time. Dealing with things I did not know how to deal with, certain emotional development was late or did not happen, as Mum and Dad could not do all those things. But I never blame them for anything, it just meant my life was going to be a little different.
My Father had a previous marriage, which he had 3 daughters. Which made for an interesting dynamic as I did not always see them when I was growing up because they lived with their Mother. But we grew close as close we could with living apart. As they were older than me they had children when I was still a child really. I’ve been an Uncle ever since I was 8 years old, and that is around the time that I got to spend more time with my Sisters, nieces and nephews. Growing up with my nieces and nephews was a great experience, as they were more like little brothers and sisters. Though I did not get to spend a huge amount of time with them. I loved them very much, and great family outings.
My first of many tragic events happened while I was in my early teenage years. A boyfriend of one of my Sisters turned out to be a rapist, and molester of our family members. Which was hard to comprehend and deal with. My family was in shock, they were angry and I remember one afternoon where my Mother and Father confronted her. I remember a lot of yelling, bad language a real family fight. My Sister did not want to admit that her now fiancee did those things, she denied it completely to an extent that she fought against all of her family. After the arguing, my Sister walked out of the living room, out of the house and a slam to the door. I was in shock, as was my Mother and Father. Unfortunately, there was a lot of emotion from my remaining sisters and family, and they would talk to me, a teen, about it. Though I tried to express my emotions on the situation but no one would show me support back. So it was something I was left to deal with… as a very young adult.
Another event in my life, was the very untimely death of my Grandfather, whom I spent every other weekend with. I had been very close to my Nan and Pa, as I would call them. Very close to my Aunt and her two kids. Had very fond memories of my Mother’s side of the family. I was only, about nine or ten when my Pa was diagnosed with cancer. Was very hard as I remember seeing him basically decay as he was. It was very long and painful for him, of which he lost the battle and passed away. I was in school when it happened, I was told by a teacher and my father was picking me up. I was heart broken. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling just how much I miss him and how the family used to be, all those great memories as a family. It is now gone. My Mother got into an argument with her Mother, and things were never the same. My Grandmother turned very angry, vindictive, and non caring. It was hard to grow up with someone that was constantly negative. I do not even think it was because of the passing of my Grandfather. She turned out to be not very supportive of who I am. Just very negative and would never know why. But there was a family fight there as well, and things just broke. I hardly saw my Grandmother because she just filled every visit with negativity. I hardly saw my Aunt and cousins again, as my cousins just turned on me it seemed. They turned to what seemed like crime. So during the unfortunate event of my Grandfathers passing, and the family fight that ensued, also having to deal with that at a young age, not knowing how to deal with it, and having emotions from everyone else coming to me. I certainly knew I dealt with everything in a wrong manner, because I did not know how else to deal with it not having anyone to help me.
I’m going to leave this post, as a part one… just wanted to explain me growing up into my early teens, and hope shed some light to why I am the person I am today, why it is difficult for me to interact with people on a day to day basis. Including the stuff I have to live with, that I have some what dealt with, but still have the memories of. With it just basically me being alone to help myself, and why I feel so lonely at times even though there is people around.
In another future post, I would like to write the years following, the more downs… but hopefully some good times as well 🙂 thank you, if you have read this far ❤