Rob Reflections… Regret

Hello Fab Readers out there,
I enjoyed myself writing up a reflection blog last time that I thought I would do so again this time. I really wanted to start going through things like my flaws, or my experiences that have happened in my life, and convey them in a way that I learn from them. in hope that someone else who is also going through something similar, they can also learn to.

What has been going through my mind lately that I wanted to talk about, was regret. It is one of those funny things to experience. We say “Live life without regret” and it sorta bothered me. To those who haven’t regretted anything, how do you know you’ve cared, or loved, or lost anything so meaningful to you.

This year has shown a lot of different challenges, as well as my entire life. As you probably have read. There’s some things I wish I could have done over and did them differently, but I can’t say I’ve truly regretted. It’s always been a “well this happened, I wish it didn’t, lets move on”. That is fine because there’s a lot of situations where you can come from them and resolve them to gain closure, or pick up where you’ve left off. I’ve done that so many times before, something that has happened that could of been handled better, I went back and resolved the issue or I simply said I can’t spend anymore energy on this negativity and walked away.

The first time that I can remember, feeling regret is this year. More recently, the last two months. I lost something that was so close to my heart, and it was so beautiful. The happiest I had been in such a long time, I lost it. I lost that because I wasn’t completely in my mind 100%. I was prioritizing things that shouldn’t of been high on the list. I made mistakes early on, that I really regret. I wasn’t thinking with a clear mind, and I should of expressed more, and focus more on the fact that I was happy. The negativity that I was feeling from other things was on the face, affecting me more than my happiness with them.

I learned so much from them; I learned even more how to see things more positively first, I learned not to take things personally, and learned to try and see a good side first before just taking something to a dark place. As you know with my year so far there was a lot of stress that I’ve not felt before, and yes my mind and priorities weren’t correct. So something that I completely treasured and still do, wasn’t going to be the same anymore.

So I bring this up because this is the first time that I can truly understand regret for not being someone I should of been. I regret that I wasn’t completely true to myself, and that I hurt them. I feel this regret because I can really deeply feel it and wish there were things as second chances, but even then things might not be the same as it was. I feel that something that was so close to me, is not as it was. You know obviously I cry at times, most of the time I feel alright and you know, just think of them and want them to be happy because I’ve always wanted the best for them. I was not at the time, my best. Which I regret wholeheartedly that I should of given my best.

What do we take away from this? Well, I can take this as an experience to be the person I want to be again, the person I know I am. I’m going to take this regret and hold onto it, so I don’t make the same mistakes. Which is why I believe we need things like regrets in our lives, we need to feel that pain and sorrow to know what NOT to do next time, if there is a next time. I don’t believe someone can have a life of no regrets, that just means that person feels they’ve made no mistakes. Not everyone is perfect, so they would have to make mistakes. I think a person who cares, is passionate, and has lost, is someone who does have life with some regrets, it shows they are simply human. Take regrets and learn from them to be a better person. Take regret and learn from them, so you make less to no mistakes in the future. If you can avoid regrets, than I hope you are happy. But if you do end up with some regrets let it mold your life and who you are. We need to learn, to move forward.

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Rob Reflections – The Tests of 2017

Hello my wonderful people. I originally wanted to start back writing a blog about happiness and what it means to me in this world. But as I was writing it I started reflecting on this year and the tests I’ve faced. So I wanted to share that with you today. Whether it is someone reading this to get a better understanding of me, or if you go through some of this yourself and learn from each other. I just want to express myself in a way that is therapeutic, as well as trying to connect.

I started reflecting and started wondering what has been so bad about me this year. I got thinking about all the things that have happened, and all its challenges. It’s been a year so far that’s been like no other for me and its been different to comprehend.

in the first quarter of this year my family faced something that was unexpected. My Father’s workplace, whom he has worked there for 30+ years, was shutting down. My Dad would find himself for the first time, in so many decades, without a job. It was difficult to comprehend that, it was very strange to me. Since I was a kid growing up, Dad had worked the same shifts, did the same work, for my entire life. Suddenly that was coming to an end and it is hard to process him doing anything else. There was a lot of stress of the unknown for my family, my Mother certainly having insecurities was very stressed out and taking it out like she does, its her way of coping. Added pressures onto me, but I wanted to be there for my family. Though because it was the unknown, and not knowing what to do, my priorities were up the shit. I just so badly wanted to make people happy, keep a constant, cling onto something that was “the norm” for me at any cost. But it ended up costing me. At the moment my family seems optimistic, we are okay, but it still will be tough until my father can get some sort of stability in a workplace once more.

Another test has come more psychologically, as I over indulged one night and my body didn’t like it. I had all these pains in my chest and I had worked myself up so much, stressed so badly, that even when I went to hospital and got checked out, everything was fine, but my mind didn’t accept it. My family history on my father’s side, has included heart problems. I traumatized myself so much that night, that I believed I was going to die from heart complications. This stress, this panic, ended up damaging me psychologically that I started having anxiety attacks, then to full blown panic attacks. For a LONG few months, I could hardly leave the house, go shopping, or go out and watch a movie without me having some form of an attack. My mind was so focused on my heart rate, that it is all that I could think about. Every time I felt my heart beat, I ended up making it beat faster, and thus causing panic, making it beat faster. That would lead up to an anxiety/panic attack. These attacks could last up to 10 minutes to 45 minutes. It was one of the hardest things to go through, to calm myself down and get through them. Thankfully, and yes truly thankful that I don’t experience them as much or often. I’m glad that I was strong enough to retrain my thinking and calm down, and my heart feels better now. There’s lingering effects, but I know I can work through them head on.

Going through that time, opened up a bit of a Pandora’s Box in terms of emotion. During the hard time I had, there was surprises in terms of the friendships that I had made. Being on twitch as a viewer and a moderator. It was a lot of my time being spent on there. I felt like this is all I had, there was a job to do and that’s all I could ever do. I would wake up, spend some time to myself, maybe a couple of hours, and then go onto twitch. My “work day” started, that I was watching streams, that I was moderating for channels, and that would go into the way early mornings before I’d go to sleep again. I wanted so much to ignore what was happening in my life, that I was just doing things for other people. I didn’t focus to much on myself, when it really counted. My priorities were all over the place, my emotions were bottled, because I wanted to help others. I let things happen that maybe should not of happened. I had blinded myself to too many things, because I wasn’t happy, but making others happy, I could live through that. All those bottled emotions, not dealing with them properly. Came out in a different form, that made me not seem as good of a person anymore. I lost who I was, and not since my early 20’s did I suffer a really bad depression. The depression got to that point again, that I was self harming just to silence my thoughts. My mind was going through all these negative emotions, and fears, that to stop and get a break from it, I went back to self harming.

I’m not proud of myself for that, it certainly was getting dangerous, how often I would self harm. For a solid week, it was nothing but harming myself and crying. Just to let out all these emotions. I find myself as a person, that has TOO many interests. For the average person they can take their emotions and channel that into something creative, or something they like doing to work out their negative feelings, and turn them positive. I really for a long time, forgot who I was. Those negative feelings were channeled into even more negative actions and emotions. It affected how I looked at the world, how I looked at twitch, the friends I had made, and I lost what was close to me.

I pushed people away, saying I’m alone, no one should be there to help me. But that was making me alone, which was counter intuitive. My mind didn’t know how else to handle such things that were happening. What was wrong with me, was I thought something was wrong with me. I couldn’t see what I had, I see now what I have, it was just at the time such a thick cloud around me that made me feel claustrophobic that I just pushed everything away to get space. Because of things going wrong, I took it personally when I shouldn’t have. The things that were happening were not my fault, but I took it as though it was. Which was essentially the problem. I keep letting my past effect me, I let it hold me back in a way it feels like I can not break free from it. I often feel like I don’t deserve to be happy because huge parts of my life has not been positive. I’m afraid to be happy, I feel it’s some how wrong for me to be happy. I’m afraid, just, scared to let go.

I want people not to make these mistakes. That when bad stuff happens, it happens. We need to process it, and learn from it. I’m working my way to try and think of things in different ways before I instantly think bad of it. Stuff happens and there’s multiple reasons why they do. It doesn’t always mean its because of you. The things that were going on, I blamed myself for it, and it turned out to be bad for me, because I let that happen. We need to think more of why some things happen, it isn’t always your fault. We need to understand that we can make things positive, even when we feel defeated or down. We need to take a step back and think, is this happening because of something I did wrong, or is it a problem they are going through. It can really help us not take things too personally and react so strongly so quickly. It’s worth taking some time to understand the situation properly and not act too fast.

I learned, we have more than one friend for a reason. In this crazy life, we make, hopefully, a few friends. I made a mistake of having one friend, hear all my negative emotions all the time. I realize that being on the other end of that, its very unfair on them. They like/love you for a reason, and when talking bad about yourself constantly, or feeling like that other person can’t help you. It breaks their heart. That person you are, that they like/love, fades away and it hurts them to see that in you. It hurts them to see you in pain, because they care so much about you, that they feel that pain just as much as you do.

I bring this up, because I learned when you’ve got a few friends, who love you and want to support you. If you’re going through something that is difficult. Take these problems/issues/concerns bit by bit, and work through them with different friends, and they will help you. One friend can help with one set of issues, and another friend can help you with others. And suddenly, you’ve got this network, and all these issues and concerns you have, is spread out and worked on so much more easily. You’ll feel better, faster, and get back to being who you are meant to be. So you can enjoy your time with your friends doing what you all love. Don’t put everything onto one person, because its a lot of them as well to see, and it can hurt them as much as its hurting you.

I don’t want to end this piece, suggesting I’m negative or depressed and that I don’t like myself. I learned through these experiences that I’m still a strong person. I’m learning more of who I am, and that I shouldn’t be afraid anymore. I love stuff about me, even though I have a hard time describing who I am. But who cares? You know, being someone whose diverse, and open to a lot of things, is a great thing. Means there’s ample room to experience and explore this wonderful life.

I always say to people I hate having an ego, but then again, I don’t really say what I like about myself, I always say what I don’t like. Well, you should do this along with me, just when you are feeling down, say something you like about yourself. Enjoy the things that are you.

Stuff I love about me, is that I’m a very honest person. I say what I need to say, and its always the truth. People like that about me, but can also hate that about me. Well I say, If I gave you shit covered in sprinkles and called it a cupcake, would you appreciate that as much? Obviously not, I’m sure you’d want actual cupcakes. So if I feel telling you certain truths in the style I tell you is helpful to you, then I bloody well will tell you how it is. I love being myself, what you see is what you get. No on can dispute how I talk, what I’m like and who I am. It also helps that, the people out there that want to do damage, can’t. If someone wants to lie about me to someone else who knows me, that person will go, “well that doesn’t sound like Rob at all”. That’s because, I am only me. I can’t be anyone else. So I express myself openly. I enjoy just being me and laying it all out there. Its why I do these blogs, I like being able to express myself and hopefully that someone can take lessons from me, and my mistakes, or just learn more about and understand about certain issues.

So I’ll end this reflection piece, and say to you. BE YOURSELF, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from your friends. Take a step back, think about situations more clearly. Say to yourself “is this worth getting upset over”, and also think about how you can resolve situations. Don’t loose yourself, don’t loose your friends. Enjoy your life, its the only life you have. You are the only you in this world, its a rare thing to have someone like you. There is only one you!

Life So Far… First Love

So, a few days ago I was going to write one blog post about my life so far. But as I got into it, I started to enjoy writing and writing. So it has turned into a multi-part blog post. I was going to write first about my sexuality and growing up as a gay man. Especially a guy who is different from most straight males, but also different from most gay males also. Though I will talk about that in a future post. To the future…

Anyways, as I first came into knowing who I was as a gay man in a dominated straight person country society. I knew my life was going to be, different, and a struggle. To be accepted amongst others where I lived. Until I used the internet to my advantage and used “dating sites”. I started exploring and found one guy who was gay, who liked me for me, started talking online having a good time. Until one day we met for the first time, and it was like magic. We both met each other, had a great time and that was one of many great meetings.

He was a guy who had a past, an involved past with his own medical and psychological conditions. He was a great guy who showed me that it was OK that I was a gay man, and that I was allowed to be me… because I had felt like in my country town that I could not be me, that it was wrong to be gay. I would constantly hide away who I was most of the time in fear of how people would react to me. But he made me feel great about myself, and who I was.

Learning that he had cystic fibrosis, schizophrenia and other conditions, did not stop me from knowing the person on the inside. What I learned on the inside was a wonderful person, so great to hang out with. And what he showed me as a gay person, and what he showed me as a person in general. I will never forget. We would spend what felt like every other weekend together. We became so close that I met his family, his grand mother (who meant the most to him). Even started to share a bed together. But just as friends, which seems odd right?

A complicated bond, or relationship formed over the months. With him having cystic fibrosis he would end up in the hospital every month for many days. Each time I would visit that hospital and sit on his bed. I would just be myself, and create a zone that felt like we weren’t in hospital at all. We would just sit there, watch movies on a laptop, or sneakily leave the hospital and go for a drive in the city of Melbourne for a while. Which tisk tisk we weren’t really meant to do. Though staying in a hospital for many days was depressing for him and I just wanted to keep him feeling a way that he could continue the hospital treatments. Anyone who knows this condition, it meant that many hospital visits to make sure lung function was OK and that he got the treatment he needed to keep himself alive. Sometimes he was so tired of doing all this routine and being trapped in a hospital that I wanted to be there for him. Keep him somewhat happy, and knowing that someone was there for him.

This complicated relationship, I started to call a “marriage without sex”, because we were so close to one another. I trusted him so much, and loved him so much. Though I found out early that he was a guy, who could not keep a relationship. He felt that, doing anything physical with someone that he would get bored with them and that he would leave. He did not want to do that to me. He wanted to keep me in his life, because I was special to him, and I understood that. He did not want to loose me from his life, though as a man and someone that I was in love with, I wanted the full experience.

For most of the time, I was a virgin, and felt that he did not want me because I was. So in some strange way, I felt that me being a virgin was an issue. I started to explore more of online dating, and social media. A friend of mine that I had also known, I got him to take my virginity, I told this guy about it. It did not seem enough. So I started to use apps like Grindr, and fucked more guys to gain experience, and I got more depressed thinking “Why am I not desirable?” and “Why doesn’t he want me in that way?”. I started to have like a very “deviant” sex life, with a few different men, because I thought that’s what “he” wanted, to have someone experienced so he was not bored. I was literally being sucked off in an outdoor area, with no emotion because I wanted him so badly as a full relationship, but needed that experience. I was feeling numb to sex.

This guy who I felt so much love for… got raped by an ex relationship, another male. He felt so much trust in me, that I was the only male he’d ever want to be around. All I was feeling, and thinking was, is he OK and what does he want me to do, to feel safe and to feel that he won’t be attacked again by another male. I remember spending so much time with him shaking, scared, and filled with so many nightmares when we were in the same bed. It was a troubling time, all I thought about was his best interest and what can I do to make him feel safe in this world again, and introduce slowly what we would do together and what we would do in the city in public. It did not take long for him to become more confident and gain that courage as a person to be himself again.

This were great, I loved being with his family, I loved being around him and so many, many, many weekends together. Even weeks in his families beach house. All that we did together. I was met with many disappointments. During my 21st birthday, he could not make it, but was able to be there for someone else. The times where I was very suicidal and in hospital, he could not make it because of someone else. All those times I wanted to give up, he could not be there as he would make some excuse. I always gave him leeway because of his condition, though there was times he could of been there but preferred to be somewhere else. He would prefer to be with some “fling” some man that was the “current” boyfriend or fuck buddy until he was bored of them. He would rather be fucking some random person that to help me when I was having a hard time.

All the things, that I did for him. The hospital visits, being there what seemed like all night. The weekends, and week that we would spend together. The family events we would share. It seemed that when I needed him most, he would rather be with some “fuck buddy” instead. I felt like some… back up boyfriend.

When he decided that he “really wanted to try” and be with a guy, really wanted to make a relationship work. He told me that we could not share a bed anymore, and do what we normally did. I felt, I did not know what I felt, because every other “boyfriend” he had, we would still kiss, and cuddle, and share a bed together while we sleep. Though this time it “was different” and all of these things we did together due to how close we were. I could not? Now this was someone who gave me a key… a key to his flat he was living at, and a key to his car. That is how close we were, that he trusted me that much. Though suddenly we could not be that close, due to some random guy he had just met?

So that was an adjustment, I was really depressed. That some random person, who hardly knows anything about him, took “my spot” and was the most important person to him. It was hard, but I accepted that he wanted to make a relationship work, I respected that he needs his life and for him to be happy. If me being his partner was not it for him, than that is fine. I would continue to be a friend… until that relationship between him and this other guy did not work out. Then he told me, “So Rob come up to the family house and stay the weekend.” I was like “OK sure, but where would I sleep?” He said to me “While in my bed with me of course.” – I did not know what to think, for many months I was not allowed to be near him or in the same bed as him, but when his relationship failed. I was suddenly given the OK to be in the same bed again? I felt like I was nothing but a “back up” boyfriend to him. That I was only there to fill some sort of void when he did not have a relationship that he wanted. He would treat me like such a partner, but could not take that extra step to actually be with me. That I was someone he could turn “on and off” as a partner so he was not alone all the time. I felt used, after all we been through. That he’d treat me as some sort of person he could rely on, until he got someone else to satisfy him in other ways. And when the relationship failed he could rely on my to fill certain voids.

So I had to make a tough decision, for me to move on, for me to have a life of my own. I had to leave it, and him all behind. I do not regret it, but I certainly miss someone who I really loved, but was someone who would not love me in the same way, nor take the leap to take that extra step to be an actual couple. I felt very much like I was some sort of “back up” boyfriend while he had no one else. It was very hard to walk away from, because he was that first love I ever had. But there is no point right? to stay with someone who would treat you like a “back up” partner, who gave you keys to their life, but did not want to ACTUALLY be with you?

So all those great memories, which I do keep close to me… I miss, because what seemed like a great partnership, was more or less, me being a secondary, or back up, partner while he was alone. That will always be with me, will always hurt, I will always love… but I needed to have my own life with someone, and not be “on call” as a faux boyfriend when someone else is single.

First blog post – Life so far…

So… Trying out the blog thing on other sites, didn’t work out that well. Getting spam follows, etc, etc. I thought I’d start over on WordPress 🙂

Being as this is my first post here, I wanted to talk about my life and introduce myself a little.

My life has been one of a lot of twists and turns, like most persons lives are. But this is just my story, it is not a story of me feeling sorry for myself or “boohoo” it is just what it is.

I’ll start first with my parents, my mother whom suffered a back injury when I was at the age of five. She was in hospital a lot with nerve damage and a slipped disk, which required a fusion surgery to be performed. So because of that she spent a few chapters, lets say, of my childhood in a bed. She’s always felt bad about that, that she could not do the motherly things a child needs when growing up. So a lot of the “love and affection” children would grow up with, I did not entirely had. I don’t blame my mother for that, as it was not her fault. What happened, happened and I love my Mum regardless. It just meant me growing up as a person was a little different than most.

My Father was a blue collar hard worker, who wanted to provide a roof over his family’s head. His work is known as shift work, and four days at a time I would not see him, and the other four days he was trying to catch up on life looking after Mum taking care of the house. So he’d be tired and not entirely sociable, which isn’t his fault either. It meant for me that another parent I didn’t get the normal “father and son” experience. So that effected the development of me as a person. Though I do love my Dad for what he does for me and my Mum, without him we wouldn’t have a good home living comfortably, if not a little spoilt at times.

So as a child growing up, it was different and hard most of the time. Dealing with things I did not know how to deal with, certain emotional development was late or did not happen, as Mum and Dad could not do all those things. But I never blame them for anything, it just meant my life was going to be a little different.

My Father had a previous marriage, which he had 3 daughters. Which made for an interesting dynamic as I did not always see them when I was growing up because they lived with their Mother. But we grew close as close we could with living apart. As they were older than me they had children when I was still a child really. I’ve been an Uncle ever since I was 8 years old, and that is around the time that I got to spend more time with my Sisters, nieces and nephews. Growing up with my nieces and nephews was a great experience, as they were more like little brothers and sisters. Though I did not get to spend a huge amount of time with them. I loved them very much, and great family outings.

My first of many tragic events happened while I was in my early teenage years. A boyfriend of one of my Sisters turned out to be a rapist, and molester of our family members. Which was hard to comprehend and deal with. My family was in shock, they were angry and I remember one afternoon where my Mother and Father confronted her. I remember a lot of yelling, bad language a real family fight. My Sister did not want to admit that her now fiancee did those things, she denied it completely to an extent that she fought against all of her family. After the arguing, my Sister walked out of the living room, out of the house and a slam to the door. I was in shock, as was my Mother and Father. Unfortunately, there was a lot of emotion from my remaining sisters and family, and they would talk to me, a teen, about it. Though I tried to express my emotions on the situation but no one would show me support back. So it was something I was left to deal with… as a very young adult.

Another event in my life, was the very untimely death of my Grandfather, whom I spent every other weekend with. I had been very close to my Nan and Pa, as I would call them. Very close to my Aunt and her two kids. Had very fond memories of my Mother’s side of the family. I was only, about nine or ten when my Pa was diagnosed with cancer. Was very hard as I remember seeing him basically decay as he was. It was very long and painful for him, of which he lost the battle and passed away. I was in school when it happened, I was told by a teacher and my father was picking me up. I was heart broken. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling just how much I miss him and how the family used to be, all those great memories as a family. It is now gone. My Mother got into an argument with her Mother, and things were never the same. My Grandmother turned very angry, vindictive, and non caring. It was hard to grow up with someone that was constantly negative. I do not even think it was because of the passing of my Grandfather. She turned out to be not very supportive of who I am. Just very negative and would never know why. But there was a family fight there as well, and things just broke. I hardly saw my Grandmother because she just filled every visit with negativity. I hardly saw my Aunt and cousins again, as my cousins just turned on me it seemed. They turned to what seemed like crime. So during the unfortunate event of my Grandfathers passing, and the family fight that ensued, also having to deal with that at a young age, not knowing how to deal with it, and having emotions from everyone else coming to me. I certainly knew I dealt with everything in a wrong manner, because I did not know how else to deal with it not having anyone to help me.

I’m going to leave this post, as a part one… just wanted to explain me growing up into my early teens, and hope shed some light to why I am the person I am today, why it is difficult for me to interact with people on a day to day basis. Including the stuff I have to live with, that I have some what dealt with, but still have the memories of. With it just basically me being alone to help myself, and why I feel so lonely at times even though there is people around.

In another future post, I would like to write the years following, the more downs… but hopefully some good times as well 🙂 thank you, if you have read this far ❤