Rob Reflections on 2017…

Hello there readers, I write this via a very slow laptop. My PC at the moment isn’t near me. My room over December/Christmas is getting repainted, and new carpeting. So most of my gear is not in my room currently. So I’ve got some down time and have this old laptop, thought I’d write a blog 🙂

Tomorrow for me is Christmas, and I thought why not do a Reflections blog on 2017, as well as what I’d like to see happen for me in the New Year.

There’s been a lot of negative things that impacted my life this year, it sent me way into an abyss of depression and even more problems. You all know most of it by now. Family went through changes, there was a lot of stress. It didn’t help my panic attacks. This year was a new thing for me, to have panic attacks. I’m glad that as of right now I don’t experience much of those sorts of feelings or any signs that panic attacks will occur. I’m glad for that. Wasn’t a great experience and it affected a few things.

I used to be heavily involved in the streaming service Twitch. Some things impacted my time there, and I had to take a break from it. I missed a lot of people, lot of friends as well as losing people as well. I’m really thankful that there are a group of people who I can still call my friend after this year, people who have supported me throughout my depression. They were there when I wanted someone, but also respected that I needed some space and wanted to be on my own to deal with what was happening.

But if I can take anything from this year, there’s been one person, one incredible guy that I’ve talked a lot about in my blogs, and I never named him and I realise it might make me seem ashamed or that I didn’t want to refer to him. But no, it was simply I didn’t want to embarrass him or call him out for others to comment on. I’ve always been a protector of him, but as he says, I protect him too much.

Some of you will know, his name is Roan. He’s a wonderful person who I had the great privilege of knowing this year. We did have a relationship as you would know reading my blogs, or just knowing me. The negative things that were happening in my life, didn’t help our relationship and it ended. I never blamed him for leaving, never will. It did hurt, it will still hurt. But the time we’ve spent together as close friends has been something amazing to me.

He’s done a lot for me, he’s that type of personality I really needed in my life, to help me, snap me out of things. He really wanted better for me, and fought hard to tell me “Rob, you deserve to be happy because you’re an amazing person”. It took a while for me to get it, but he himself is incredible and he fought and fought and did exactly what it took for me to be happier, for me to be a better person. I’ll always be grateful to have him in my life. He is forever special to me, it won’t ever change. Maybe he’ll decide to remove me from his life, I hope not, because not being a relationship with him, isn’t what hurts. It is if he had ever left my life, that would hurt beyond words and emotion.

Someone like Roan, doesn’t come around very often. Anyone whose had the chance to talk with him or really get to know him, you just know how special he is. How much he just lights up a room, makes anyone smile. That’s just Roan, he just brings a lot of life and care wherever he goes, and can’t help but make others around him happy. If he doesn’t make you happy, then you truly have no idea about him, you really don’t know him, or appreciate him if you aren’t smiling when he is around. So to anyone, for anyone who has the privilege to spend any time with him, really cherish it. I certainly do. He’s a once in a lifetime person.

So saying that, Roan helping me, making such an impact on my life, this locked away heart of mine. I know what kind of person I deserve in my life in terms of a relationship. I look forward to the future. I hope a relationship is out there for me. With the break down, and rebuilding of myself. I really want a guy that makes an impact, I want someone whose going to care about me and love me, stay with me for a long while. You know, I’ve had one of the best in Roan and it would be insulting to me and to Roan if I ended up being with someone who wasn’t as good. I don’t want a second best. I want someone whose going to be on that level or higher. I think I deserve that. I need someone to make a statement, I don’t want to settle for anything less. Not anymore, time to be smarter.

I’ve also had tremendous friends this year, whose also been supportive, whose cared a lot about what I’ve gone through, the time I’ve needed to deal with things, they’ve always been there for me and will always love those friends. Without them, I wouldn’t know what would of happened to me. There’s a lot of care and love I have for those who have stuck around in my life. There’s some who I know, who are friends on face value. I’m sick of friends who say one thing to me, and another behind my back. I’m glad I find out. They don’t need to be in my life then, what matters is what makes me happy and what makes others who want to be around me happy.

So looking forward… looking to the future. 2018… won’t be long until my birthday, that is usually at the start of the year, so glad to get it out of the way haha. I’d love to get more involved on twitch again, start streaming again maybe. I’ve got some people who’d love to see me stream again. I got gifted a capture card, so console gaming, some things that are more fun to play, I’d love to do on streams. We will see, only time can tell. Plus I need to start a career of my own, start working. I can’t wait to see those opportunities, where I’ll end up, the people I’ll meet. Should be different.

I end this, hoping everyone has a great Christmas with their loved ones. For me, I don’t have loved ones much. Don’t have much of a family these days. So my Christmas, is continuing to paint my bedroom, get all my stuff back in I hope soon. I miss my computer haha. So there won’t be much of a Christmas for me this year. I just hope everyone else has a great time.

This has been fun this year writing blogs, I certainly hope to keep writing them next year. Thank you for those who have been on this journey with me, and look forward to who stays with me both here, and in my personal life.

Have a good holidays everyone o/

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To New Beginnings…

Hello there readers, its that time again that I write down some stuff… hoping someone will read it, and hopefully learn something.

Today will be a different blog than previous. Lately things were looking grim, nothing was going to improve. There was a lot of lessons that I had learnt, but things weren’t improving as much as it could.

Until one night a few nights back. Everything that had happened this year, everything that I thought was wrong, that kept dragging me down. Culminated into a night where I had a very bad meltdown. Like it was nuclear level. There was a lot of feelings and emotions that I felt that I had not felt in a very long time. I was pretty much ready to end things, I didn’t see a point anymore. A lot of emotion was pouring out, a lot of my tired feelings and stress over this year just came out. I didn’t see my life going anywhere, nor would it go anywhere. So I was ready to just give up, didn’t want to keep going through this sort of cycle anymore.

That is all until I had one person, one person whom I’m very lucky to have in my life. Stay with me all that night, didn’t listen to the bad things I was saying, but really cared deeply like I’ve not felt before. He really fought for me that night and brought myself back out of that negative crater that I had given myself. I went to bed that night, going through a lot, but there was certain things he told me that kept replaying in my mind. So I started thinking of that, and everything else we had gone through this year. What he showed me about myself, from the good to the bad. I was able to talk a lot about my life, where I had came from, a lot of things that I had closed a door on, that I really shouldn’t of. The things I closed away from, was what was stopping me from being happy, from seeing what I was doing to myself, and what I was doing to others. Especially those I cared about, and loved.

I realized that my life has been in a huge unbalance. I let a lot of people take from me, without giving back, and it was really dragging me down as it affected my relationships with other people, my friendships, my family. Instead of being with someone, and just allowing them to help keep me happy, I instead tried to shut things out, which only depressed me. It left him blaming himself, and I hated myself for that. I learnt that, if something was going on else where, leave that negative emotion there, talk about it with the one who makes me happy, let them make me happy and move on. I know it now, and something I won’t forget. I won’t forget anything that this person has done for me.

My life over the years, has tremendously been that unbalance, that my care for everyone else being happy, was stopping me from being happy. I’ve learned that within reason, and still being able to make others happy, that I’m allowed to be happy, and that I deserve the people in my life to make me happy as well. I kept thinking I don’t deserve that, and I kept denying people who really cared about me, and who really wanted to make me happy. I see it now, I see that I denied those people the ability to make me happy. Those people did make me happy, but I didn’t show it the best. I allowed the things that got to me, be the main emotion. That’s not right, and from now it will be my happiness be the first emotion.

I know life has its ways, I know that things aren’t always positive. I’m going to be happy, but I know there are moments where things happen and I might not be as happy. I will always remember the times I’ve had with people, who really cared about me who really make me happy and let that help me through it. I’ve felt so good lately, I feel pretty happy. I know there will be things that would make me more happy, and those will come into my life when they do.

I’m looking to better my health, I’d love to start exercising again and get myself good looking for myself. A relationship with someone would be great soon, we will see. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, its not a main concern. There’ll always be one person who has a key to my heart, that will never change in the future. However I’m looking for someone that deserves me… I’ve been through a long road, of hard work and accomplishment, and I don’t want that going to someone who doesn’t appreciate me, or doesn’t deserve me. I love being in my relationships, there’s a huge part of me that wants to do everything for my boyfriend, there’s a lot of love that I enjoy showing, a lot of small things to make them happy, as well as bigger things. Always love to spoil the person that makes me happy. And in the future, I’m going to make sure they know it, they know that I’m happy, and always will be, as I’ll be the luckiest person to have someone that I deserve as well as deserves me. I want to stay happy, and get happier in my life. There’s always improvement.

I look forward to next year, I will ensure it goes better than the previous two years. I have my work/career ambitions. I may even start streaming on twitch again, who knows. I look forward to the people I meet. And will enjoy the people that have stayed with me this far and keep sharing this ride. Only concern I have is my happiness, my health, and showing those who show it to me nothing but good times, and happy being.

Anxiety

Hello Readers, just going to plainly say this… Anxieties suck!

More and more people in today’s world experience anxiety, some times its just a random phase, or happens every once in a while, or for some it affects their life in a huge way. This year traumatic experiences and changes at home has made my underlying anxiety became the only emotion. Everything I did, anything I thought about had anxieties attached to it. I ended up as you know from previous blogs having anxiety attacks to full blown panic attacks.

It wasn’t the best experience I’ve ever gone through, when anxiety used to affect me it was easy enough to deal with it. Life got fairly busy and confronting so it became harder. In a way I’m glad to have gone through this, I learned new skills to calm myself down, you really have to talk yourself of a ledge here. You have to try and convince yourself that nothing bad is going to happen, nothing that is happening is life threatening. I end up going through a lot of fear, thinking today is my last day here.

I never knew how much this would consume me, and it is almost unbelievable to me that I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost parts of me that were more rational, lost parts of me that tells me who I am. The stress thinking about, and constantly consumed by these anxieties has recently made my mind sort of “shut down”. My unconscious mind just had enough and I became here, without being here. Sounds strange yeah? What happened was what I was seeing, I didn’t believe was real, and that I couldn’t feel many emotions, or concentrate on what I was doing. It became almost painful to concentrate or feel anything.

This just happening recently, It has taken a couple of weeks to accept it. It was freaky to say the least, but thinking about it and stressing about it, of course wasn’t helping. Many days have gone passed where it was difficult to really talk to anyone, or do anything like normal. I just had to get some information about what was going on. It called dissociation, it happens to people who have gone through a lot of stress and anxiety. There’s not a great deal of information about why, but its recommended to do the things that brings us back into our body, like doing physical exercise keeping calm. I’ve been doing that and I’m feeling more, “me”, again.

It doesn’t help, that thinking I’ve let myself get to this point. Where I’ve let myself be consumed by something I can’t control. It has added to depression, but I can’t let it keep consuming me, its affecting far too many things in my life. I want my life back, and that’s what happened one night, I thought, while I’m experiencing this dissociation, while my thoughts and emotions are taking a break. I thought I’m going to take this opportunity to have basically a holiday from my own anxieties. It turned out to be one of the more smart decisions I’ve made recently. When I did that I started doing things that had stopped me in the past, started being more who I used to be. It ended up helping a lot, I feel more myself again. I’m not completely out of the rabbit hole, there are some things still showing its ugly head, but it’s just a matter of practice when things feel down again, that I know I can pick myself up.

So anyone going through anxieties, just start small and keep practicing. Keep trying to accept what is happening and assure yourself things will be okay. Try and take your mind off your body, and focus on a TV Show, Movie or a Game. It will get easier. Do the things that you like, prove you are still you. It will get easier, and if it doesn’t go see your Doctor and see if you can get some help, even talking to someone like a psychologist who will give you heaps of information and help you with techniques to manage what is going on.

To the friends of people who are going through high anxiety, I say to to be patient with them. They aren’t themselves, they’ve lost parts of who they are due to it consuming them. Just be there for them, remind them who they are. Don’t ignore it, but certainly try and remain normal, that normality will remind them and put them back into the normal flow that their life was. It will help them practice how to manage, and when they are going through an attack, just listen to them, help talk them through it. They are going through a lot of fear that you might not understand, so don’t get scared yourself, just be strong for them as they will need it. They’ll pull through and with you by their side they will appreciate it a whole lot.

I certainly appreciate the friends that have seen me going through attacks, and they listened and kept being themselves. That normality, I was able to calm down and think more of what my friend was doing, than paying attention to all that fear and stress. There’s been days where my anxieties and fears have taken over, and I’ve pushed people away because I know I don’t want to deal with this, so why would they? They don’t need this affecting them as well, because they didn’t ask for it and they’ve got a life of their own filled with a lot of great things. I know its wrong, it is just what happens when your so far consumed, you become someone else essentially, certain feelings and emotions are not your own and do things you wouldn’t normally, but there’s one part of you that just wants to do at least one thing to protect who you care about.

So I say to them please don’t hate me for it, I know you care about me and I know it hurts seeing me this way. I don’t want to push away, I just don’t want to drag people down. I know that I was improving, these have been weeks where it got tough. I know I don’t have to do things alone, but I just care a whole lot about them. Thinking its easier for them to want to not talk to me, it really isn’t at all. It is just as hard for them as it is for me. I’ve got amazing people around me, and even when they don’t know it, they inspire me to want to beat this, and continue to stick around on this little planet of ours. I can’t promise things will be stable, or not complicated, I can just promise that I’m pushing harder each day to be the best I can once again.

So once again, Anxieties suck! But we can’t run from it, we just need to accept it and learn how to not let it consume who we are. Everyone is special in their own way, and its not worth losing it over something that doesn’t deserve our energy.

Confusion?

Hello Readers, back once more with another blog entry. This one might seem like a weird post, and it might make me look not grateful or upset over nothing. It is more I’m in a point in my life where I like who I am, but I keep thinking “where has it gotten me?”.

I don’t even know what to call this blog, how to categorize it, I just more or less want to get things off my chest because it is weighing heavily on me. I will get quite emotional, and confronting. I might appear ungrateful, or unappreciative. Don’t worry there’s a point in the madness, and a revelation towards the end, I hope 🙂

I’ve came across many people in my life, many friends have come and gone, and some relationships. Emphasis on “gone”, because it has gotten tiring that I’ve lost a lot of people who I really cared about, and it is getting to a point where I can’t go through that for much longer. It creates more and more of a hurting feeling within myself, and it is getting harder to let new people in.

I always thought I was a good person. I have my opinions yes, like most people. My opinions are more, I guess confronting? or honest? but I have those opinions to hopefully try and help the other person, if they appear to want the help. Most people appreciate it, and see it for what it is, and some people it is a little more than they’d want to hear. That I can take half the blame for, that yes maybe I could “sugar coat” it, and make it easier to process. But everything else, I always thought I had good qualities. I enjoy having a laugh, enjoy helping people, being there when I’m called upon and so on.

So there is acknowledgement of that where I get complimented, saying I’m a great guy, amazing, good person, etc. No, I’m not “blowing my own horn”, anyone who knows me, knows I hate talking about myself like that. But I have been thinking about it a lot lately, about those compliments, and about me being left out on my own.

I get called a good person, and deserving of this and that… but where has it gotten me? Where has my life gotten me, with being there for my friends, for caring, for being who I am, what has it got me? It’s gotten me a lot of pain…

You might be thinking, Rob why you being ungrateful? and I reply with, don’t get me wrong, I really do appreciate and love when I hear nice things being said. It’s a nice comfort in knowing that I’m being that person I want to be. But what I want to be, and what I am, isn’t getting me anywhere in a positive direction. It frustrates me, I grew up being taught and believing, if you do good things, and are nice to others, good things will come to you. But I’m 27 years old, and I’m sitting here basically feeling alone.

Most of what I’m feeling, I know comes from my own feelings, and my own depression/anxieties. And comparing myself to other people? It just becomes hard not to. There are people that get all the attention and friends, for doing what? And I know there are people out there who feel that way, that there’s people out there, that you know aren’t completely “nice” that get everything, while you get subpar.

I know I’ve got some friends, who’ve remained with me. Sometimes it just feels as though, they’d prefer other friends to me, or I’m only good enough some times. Which I know that’s the wrong attitude to have, but who hasn’t had those sorts of feelings? I just get tired, of people saying, Rob you’re a great guy and you deserve good things, and yet, they leave. I just sit here and get frustrated thinking, If I’m “so good” why are you leaving? Shouldn’t I be the one to determine who is good enough for me, and what I feel like I deserve? What I end up feeling, is apparently I don’t deserve anything, apart from being left out, being alone, being empty.

With some friends I’ve had, I admit that I wasn’t the best I could of been. I let pressures get to me. I don’t handle stress that fantastically. It can impact my friendships and I know that’s why some have to leave, for them to feel good again. I do apologize where I can, and admit to them, look this is what’s been happening sorry it affected me to the point of you feeling crappy. It’s those times when I am perfectly fine, and I think everything is great, is when, oh look a nose dive, and I’ve lost someone I care about.

Most of the time, I don’t let this impact me as much. I know there are people out there, who have things worse, or may not even have friends. There’s just a point in your life, you think, there’s no manual to read on how to deal with what we face. It gets frustrating. You can’t ignore it, because it’s there. You can’t run from it, even though I try, but it will always catch back up with me. It hits me hard, and I’m grateful for what I have, because I could have nothing. It just hurts, and its hurting a lot lately… that where has me, being a “good guy” gotten me? It’s certainly not gotten me to where I’d like to be. It’s gotten me pain, and loss, being used, being abused by family not just by friends.

If this is what good people receive, then I don’t feel like I’m one. And if I actually am a good person, then I don’t think I want to be apart of this world, I don’t feel like I fit in.

You know, sitting here for the last half an hour writing this up, and the thinking about this blog post prior. It’s helping me work through feelings I’ve been running from, I know that life is complicated. Life will always be “what it is” and its a matter of just not giving up. You know, I stay here because I want to know, I want to know how will I change? and what will change in the future? I can’t give up, because what if things do get better? For me, yes I’m in a depression once more, but it seems different, I feel I’m working things out better this time, rather than running from them.

I don’t know how to finish this piece off, I wanted to write this because it is something that’s been troubling me. I’m sure there are people out there who also feel this way. And get lost in their confusion as to why “good things happen to bad people”. But its a struggle, it’s more in our heads then anything, its what we focus on, for too long and it becomes a thing. It brings us down and we get lost in a cloud. Try to know, there are others going through this, and it is just up to us to keep on moving forward. Bettering ourselves. Because we are the only ones who experience this pain, and you know what? It makes us more stronger than everyone else who “has it easy”. They’ll never appreciate true love, true loss and pain, and will not appreciate what they have got. Only we can, and it makes us our own sort of special individual.

Update: This last month

Hello Readers, Wanted to write up a quick blog to get some things out there. Just a update on the last month or so.

Writing up these blogs have helped me a lot, learn more about myself, help sort out my feelings with my past and I get to also remember the good times I have in my life. Things I’d like to write about in the future. My experiences in a gay bar in Perth, the impact that my grand father made on me, holidays, etc etc.

I came to really enjoy who I am, without these experiences I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. All I want to do is be a friend to people, with my knowledge and experience, I try and help out. I know there’s times where I should allow people to be down and out to let them figure it out. But I couldn’t help myself and want to fix. It sometimes just blows up in my face, so yeah I learned to take a step back and just be there when they need it. Some people just can’t be helped you know? they need to figure it out on their own.

I enjoy who I am, the people I’ve met. My past is not affecting me as much as it used to, which is a good sign. There’s been some really big things happening this year that’s allowed me to open up a little more. Unfortunately things like panic attacks still happen, like last night. I went out to see a movie, and spent some of it dealing with another panic attack. With practicing meditation, its been so helpful and so happy that I decided to take the steps and learn this skill. By the end of the movie, I had calmed and enjoyed myself. Meditation is really making a great impact in my life, my thoughts are no longer messy and stress levels are lowering, thank gawd.

I did have some days of anger, because there’s some people that have just decided to take me incorrectly, and have decided to make problems for me. Talking bad about me, making them look better. I realize that, when you do good things and people like and respect you. There’s going to be people who are jealous of that, or have their own problems, and like to just take that away from you. I’m not much of a person that will confront people, I just go if you want to think bad about me, I don’t need you in my life. Well of course those people ended up taking friendships away from me. I realize I got angry because the people who I thought was a good friend and who knew me, listened to those haters. It’s quite upsetting and it hurt a lot. It really pissed me off, because I spent time with them helping them, being there for them, being a friend to them, and this was my “thanks”. It pissed me off. But I’m moving forward, new chapters in my life are on the horizon. I look forward to it knowing I can embrace it with a better mind and happier thinking.

I know who I am, I’m a person who likes learning and changing. I am very happy with myself, the friends I do make and that stay around. I have a lot of fun, and a lot of good times (although its not always seemed that way lol). I look forward to socializing because there’s some truly amazing people out there. I’m learning to accept the good things that people think of me, something that has been hard in my past. It’s time for that to change and know I’m a good person, know that I do the best I can to help out my friends. Not everything has a negative subtext to it.

I have also been quite sick lately, spent Halloween throwing up, breathing was all weird. Nothing bad came from it, I’m going to see some doctors about pains I’m experiencing. Head seems all foggy and there’s some bumps in some places in the back of my head causing some issues. So hopefully it’s just some stupid infection or something. It has been going on for a couple of weeks. The weather in the part of Australia I live in, has been crazy to say the least. It would be warm one day, the next day its cold for five days, then it would be hot again. So I blame the weather, why not? Weather like that isn’t exactly my favorite. I know most people would think Australia is hot all the time, but it depends what part of this country. The part I live, is towards the bottom which is near the cold air of Antarctica, so yeah… burrrrrr it gets cold at times lol.

But that’s it, all I wanted to share just a quick update. Letting people know I’m getting better and happier. I use this platform so I don’t keep things bottled up. Which is bad, so don’t do it reader. And thanks for being part of this journey of self discovery.

Rob Reflections… Don’t lose them

Hello Readers, You know by now these blogs are generally thoughts and feelings that are on my mind, that I can share with you and hopefully provide some education on life in general. I wanted to talk about something that is quite personal, and a bit emotional. I feel it is something a lot of people do, and it can be hard.

For anyone in a relationship, anyone who is with the person they truly love in their heart, who you know is the one for you because they make you feel so many emotions you didn’t even know you had. All I can say, is cherish each moment, because you don’t know how much time you have left with them. You don’t know how long it is going to last.

Mistakes are part of human life, and before you can stop it, a mistake has been made and that person sees you differently and they lose love in you. You could lose them forever. Please don’t make mistakes, make sure you cherish that person with all your heart. Make sure they are always happy, be there for them and support them. Keep yourself in check, do what you have to do to be in that relationship 100%.

If you make that one mistake and lose them, make sure its worth it. Make sure its worth losing that love. I say make sure it is worth it, because you WILL NOT predict how much you will miss them, you will not know how much you will miss telling them “I love you”. It is going to hurt you in ways you can not imagine. Its going to hurt because you know in your heart you could of prevented that mistake if you were just in check. You won’t realize that pain that is going to stay with you for a long time. All you will want to do is let out so many emotions, or even spend nights just crying. You won’t forgive yourself for hurting them, it will hurt you ten times more.

I wish I could have said this to my past self, but in a way I’m glad certain events happened. I don’t take the relationship in vein, because I loved them so much, respected them, cared about them so much. People can say “oh I will be a better person”, but no, I became a better person. I knew I had my flaws, I knew I had problems in my past that I was letting get to me and affecting how I acted in my life. I needed to get in check. I used the inspiration I received from them, and got the help I needed, developed the skills I needed in my life to be a more positive person. I don’t allow negativity to affect me so much, I take my life and history to be someone who is strong and confident in who I am. I wish I had the wake up call a while ago, but it is never too late. I needed to do this for me.

Things might be different now, but my love for them will not change. I will continue my promise I made a long time ago, to make them happy. I keep this goal, because things could of been a lot worse. I could have never seen them ever again. But I’m so blessed to still have this person in my life, as they are just a true shining star. Their personality is something so unique, and to be cherished at all times. I will never meet someone like them ever again, they are a once in a lifetime person. I love them truly for them, who they are and always will be.

I wanted to make things up to them, by making myself who they wanted me to be, because I knew I deserved to be a happier person. I am a happier person for having knowing them. They never wanted to change who I was, but show me who I can be, my potential of being someone who I deserved to be. They know my past, and they know who I am, and they knew I could be better, and not let things keep me down. They showed me I can be happy, they showed I can be loved and they showed I deserve a good life. I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart.

All I can say is, I feel like I hit a jackpot having them in my life, and not everyone gets that chance. If you do get that chance, don’t let it go so easily. They will make you feel things you didn’t even know you could feel. Appreciate the time you have, because it could go in an instant. They’ll always be in my heart, and I will continue to be there for them 100%.

Rob Reflections… Regret

Hello Fab Readers out there,
I enjoyed myself writing up a reflection blog last time that I thought I would do so again this time. I really wanted to start going through things like my flaws, or my experiences that have happened in my life, and convey them in a way that I learn from them. in hope that someone else who is also going through something similar, they can also learn to.

What has been going through my mind lately that I wanted to talk about, was regret. It is one of those funny things to experience. We say “Live life without regret” and it sorta bothered me. To those who haven’t regretted anything, how do you know you’ve cared, or loved, or lost anything so meaningful to you.

This year has shown a lot of different challenges, as well as my entire life. As you probably have read. There’s some things I wish I could have done over and did them differently, but I can’t say I’ve truly regretted. It’s always been a “well this happened, I wish it didn’t, lets move on”. That is fine because there’s a lot of situations where you can come from them and resolve them to gain closure, or pick up where you’ve left off. I’ve done that so many times before, something that has happened that could of been handled better, I went back and resolved the issue or I simply said I can’t spend anymore energy on this negativity and walked away.

The first time that I can remember, feeling regret is this year. More recently, the last two months. I lost something that was so close to my heart, and it was so beautiful. The happiest I had been in such a long time, I lost it. I lost that because I wasn’t completely in my mind 100%. I was prioritizing things that shouldn’t of been high on the list. I made mistakes early on, that I really regret. I wasn’t thinking with a clear mind, and I should of expressed more, and focus more on the fact that I was happy. The negativity that I was feeling from other things was on the face, affecting me more than my happiness with them.

I learned so much from them; I learned even more how to see things more positively first, I learned not to take things personally, and learned to try and see a good side first before just taking something to a dark place. As you know with my year so far there was a lot of stress that I’ve not felt before, and yes my mind and priorities weren’t correct. So something that I completely treasured and still do, wasn’t going to be the same anymore.

So I bring this up because this is the first time that I can truly understand regret for not being someone I should of been. I regret that I wasn’t completely true to myself, and that I hurt them. I feel this regret because I can really deeply feel it and wish there were things as second chances, but even then things might not be the same as it was. I feel that something that was so close to me, is not as it was. You know obviously I cry at times, most of the time I feel alright and you know, just think of them and want them to be happy because I’ve always wanted the best for them. I was not at the time, my best. Which I regret wholeheartedly that I should of given my best.

What do we take away from this? Well, I can take this as an experience to be the person I want to be again, the person I know I am. I’m going to take this regret and hold onto it, so I don’t make the same mistakes. Which is why I believe we need things like regrets in our lives, we need to feel that pain and sorrow to know what NOT to do next time, if there is a next time. I don’t believe someone can have a life of no regrets, that just means that person feels they’ve made no mistakes. Not everyone is perfect, so they would have to make mistakes. I think a person who cares, is passionate, and has lost, is someone who does have life with some regrets, it shows they are simply human. Take regrets and learn from them to be a better person. Take regret and learn from them, so you make less to no mistakes in the future. If you can avoid regrets, than I hope you are happy. But if you do end up with some regrets let it mold your life and who you are. We need to learn, to move forward.