Anxiety

Hello Readers, just going to plainly say this… Anxieties suck!

More and more people in today’s world experience anxiety, some times its just a random phase, or happens every once in a while, or for some it affects their life in a huge way. This year traumatic experiences and changes at home has made my underlying anxiety became the only emotion. Everything I did, anything I thought about had anxieties attached to it. I ended up as you know from previous blogs having anxiety attacks to full blown panic attacks.

It wasn’t the best experience I’ve ever gone through, when anxiety used to affect me it was easy enough to deal with it. Life got fairly busy and confronting so it became harder. In a way I’m glad to have gone through this, I learned new skills to calm myself down, you really have to talk yourself of a ledge here. You have to try and convince yourself that nothing bad is going to happen, nothing that is happening is life threatening. I end up going through a lot of fear, thinking today is my last day here.

I never knew how much this would consume me, and it is almost unbelievable to me that I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost parts of me that were more rational, lost parts of me that tells me who I am. The stress thinking about, and constantly consumed by these anxieties has recently made my mind sort of “shut down”. My unconscious mind just had enough and I became here, without being here. Sounds strange yeah? What happened was what I was seeing, I didn’t believe was real, and that I couldn’t feel many emotions, or concentrate on what I was doing. It became almost painful to concentrate or feel anything.

This just happening recently, It has taken a couple of weeks to accept it. It was freaky to say the least, but thinking about it and stressing about it, of course wasn’t helping. Many days have gone passed where it was difficult to really talk to anyone, or do anything like normal. I just had to get some information about what was going on. It called┬ádissociation, it happens to people who have gone through a lot of stress and anxiety. There’s not a great deal of information about why, but its recommended to do the things that brings us back into our body, like doing physical exercise keeping calm. I’ve been doing that and I’m feeling more, “me”, again.

It doesn’t help, that thinking I’ve let myself get to this point. Where I’ve let myself be consumed by something I can’t control. It has added to depression, but I can’t let it keep consuming me, its affecting far too many things in my life. I want my life back, and that’s what happened one night, I thought, while I’m experiencing this┬ádissociation, while my thoughts and emotions are taking a break. I thought I’m going to take this opportunity to have basically a holiday from my own anxieties. It turned out to be one of the more smart decisions I’ve made recently. When I did that I started doing things that had stopped me in the past, started being more who I used to be. It ended up helping a lot, I feel more myself again. I’m not completely out of the rabbit hole, there are some things still showing its ugly head, but it’s just a matter of practice when things feel down again, that I know I can pick myself up.

So anyone going through anxieties, just start small and keep practicing. Keep trying to accept what is happening and assure yourself things will be okay. Try and take your mind off your body, and focus on a TV Show, Movie or a Game. It will get easier. Do the things that you like, prove you are still you. It will get easier, and if it doesn’t go see your Doctor and see if you can get some help, even talking to someone like a psychologist who will give you heaps of information and help you with techniques to manage what is going on.

To the friends of people who are going through high anxiety, I say to to be patient with them. They aren’t themselves, they’ve lost parts of who they are due to it consuming them. Just be there for them, remind them who they are. Don’t ignore it, but certainly try and remain normal, that normality will remind them and put them back into the normal flow that their life was. It will help them practice how to manage, and when they are going through an attack, just listen to them, help talk them through it. They are going through a lot of fear that you might not understand, so don’t get scared yourself, just be strong for them as they will need it. They’ll pull through and with you by their side they will appreciate it a whole lot.

I certainly appreciate the friends that have seen me going through attacks, and they listened and kept being themselves. That normality, I was able to calm down and think more of what my friend was doing, than paying attention to all that fear and stress. There’s been days where my anxieties and fears have taken over, and I’ve pushed people away because I know I don’t want to deal with this, so why would they? They don’t need this affecting them as well, because they didn’t ask for it and they’ve got a life of their own filled with a lot of great things. I know its wrong, it is just what happens when your so far consumed, you become someone else essentially, certain feelings and emotions are not your own and do things you wouldn’t normally, but there’s one part of you that just wants to do at least one thing to protect who you care about.

So I say to them please don’t hate me for it, I know you care about me and I know it hurts seeing me this way. I don’t want to push away, I just don’t want to drag people down. I know that I was improving, these have been weeks where it got tough. I know I don’t have to do things alone, but I just care a whole lot about them. Thinking its easier for them to want to not talk to me, it really isn’t at all. It is just as hard for them as it is for me. I’ve got amazing people around me, and even when they don’t know it, they inspire me to want to beat this, and continue to stick around on this little planet of ours. I can’t promise things will be stable, or not complicated, I can just promise that I’m pushing harder each day to be the best I can once again.

So once again, Anxieties suck! But we can’t run from it, we just need to accept it and learn how to not let it consume who we are. Everyone is special in their own way, and its not worth losing it over something that doesn’t deserve our energy.

Advertisements

Confusion?

Hello Readers, back once more with another blog entry. This one might seem like a weird post, and it might make me look not grateful or upset over nothing. It is more I’m in a point in my life where I like who I am, but I keep thinking “where has it gotten me?”.

I don’t even know what to call this blog, how to categorize it, I just more or less want to get things off my chest because it is weighing heavily on me. I will get quite emotional, and confronting. I might appear ungrateful, or unappreciative. Don’t worry there’s a point in the madness, and a revelation towards the end, I hope ­čÖé

I’ve came across many people in my life, many friends have come and gone, and some relationships. Emphasis on “gone”, because it has gotten tiring that I’ve lost a lot of people who I really cared about, and it is getting to a point where I can’t go through that for much longer. It creates more and more of a hurting feeling within myself, and it is getting harder to let new people in.

I always thought I was a good person. I have my opinions yes, like most people. My opinions are more, I guess confronting? or honest? but I have those opinions to hopefully try and help the other person, if they appear to want the help. Most people appreciate it, and see it for what it is, and some people it is a little more than they’d want to hear. That I can take half the blame for, that yes maybe I could “sugar coat” it, and make it easier to process. But everything else, I always thought I had good qualities. I enjoy having a laugh, enjoy helping people, being there when I’m called upon and so on.

So there is acknowledgement of that where I get complimented, saying I’m a great guy, amazing, good person, etc. No, I’m not “blowing my own horn”, anyone who knows me, knows I hate talking about myself like that. But I have been thinking about it a lot lately, about those compliments, and about me being left out on my own.

I get called a good person, and deserving of this and that… but where has it gotten me? Where has my life gotten me, with being there for my friends, for caring, for being who I am, what has it got me? It’s gotten me a lot of pain…

You might be thinking, Rob why you being ungrateful? and I reply with, don’t get me wrong, I really do appreciate and love when I hear nice things being said. It’s a nice comfort in knowing that I’m being that person I want to be. But what I want to be, and what I am, isn’t getting me anywhere in a positive direction. It frustrates me, I grew up being taught and believing, if you do good things, and are nice to others, good things will come to you. But I’m 27 years old, and I’m sitting here basically feeling alone.

Most of what I’m feeling, I know comes from my own feelings, and my own depression/anxieties. And comparing myself to other people? It just becomes hard not to. There are people that get all the attention and friends, for doing what? And I know there are people out there who feel that way, that there’s people out there, that you know aren’t completely “nice” that get everything, while you get subpar.

I know I’ve got some friends, who’ve remained with me. Sometimes it just feels as though, they’d prefer other friends to me, or I’m only good enough some times. Which I know that’s the wrong attitude to have, but who hasn’t had those sorts of feelings? I just get tired, of people saying, Rob you’re a great guy and you deserve good things, and yet, they leave. I just sit here and get frustrated thinking, If I’m “so good” why are you leaving? Shouldn’t I be the one to determine who is good enough for me, and what I feel like I deserve? What I end up feeling, is apparently I don’t deserve anything, apart from being left out, being alone, being empty.

With some friends I’ve had, I admit that I wasn’t the best I could of been. I let pressures get to me. I don’t handle stress that fantastically. It can impact my friendships and I know that’s why some have to leave, for them to feel good again. I do apologize where I can, and admit to them, look this is what’s been happening sorry it affected me to the point of you feeling crappy. It’s those times when I am perfectly fine, and I think everything is great, is when, oh look a nose dive, and I’ve lost someone I care about.

Most of the time, I don’t let this impact me as much. I know there are people out there, who have things worse, or may not even have friends. There’s just a point in your life, you think, there’s no manual to read on how to deal with what we face. It gets frustrating. You can’t ignore it, because it’s there. You can’t run from it, even though I try, but it will always catch back up with me. It hits me hard, and I’m grateful for what I have, because I could have nothing. It just hurts, and its hurting a lot lately… that where has me, being a “good guy” gotten me? It’s certainly not gotten me to where I’d like to be. It’s gotten me pain, and loss, being used, being abused by family not just by friends.

If this is what good people receive, then I don’t feel like I’m one. And if I actually am a good person, then I don’t think I want to be apart of this world, I don’t feel like I fit in.

You know, sitting here for the last half an hour writing this up, and the thinking about this blog post prior. It’s helping me work through feelings I’ve been running from, I know that life is complicated. Life will always be “what it is” and its a matter of just not giving up. You know, I stay here because I want to know, I want to know how will I change? and what will change in the future? I can’t give up, because what if things do get better? For me, yes I’m in a depression once more, but it seems different, I feel I’m working things out better this time, rather than running from them.

I don’t know how to finish this piece off, I wanted to write this because it is something that’s been troubling me. I’m sure there are people out there who also feel this way. And get lost in their confusion as to why “good things happen to bad people”. But its a struggle, it’s more in our heads then anything, its what we focus on, for too long and it becomes a thing. It brings us down and we get lost in a cloud. Try to know, there are others going through this, and it is just up to us to keep on moving forward. Bettering ourselves. Because we are the only ones who experience this pain, and you know what? It makes us more stronger than everyone else who “has it easy”. They’ll never appreciate true love, true loss and pain, and will not appreciate what they have got. Only we can, and it makes us our own sort of special individual.

Update: This last month

Hello Readers, Wanted to write up a quick blog to get some things out there. Just a update on the last month or so.

Writing up these blogs have helped me a lot, learn more about myself, help sort out my feelings with my past and I get to also remember the good times I have in my life. Things I’d like to write about in the future. My experiences in a gay bar in Perth, the impact that my grand father made on me, holidays, etc etc.

I came to really enjoy who I am, without these experiences I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. All I want to do is be a friend to people, with my knowledge and experience, I try and help out. I know there’s times where I should allow people to be down and out to let them figure it out. But I couldn’t help myself and want to fix. It sometimes just blows up in my face, so yeah I learned to take a step back and just be there when they need it. Some people just can’t be helped you know? they need to figure it out on their own.

I enjoy who I am, the people I’ve met. My past is not affecting me as much as it used to, which is a good sign. There’s been some really big things happening this year that’s allowed me to open up a little more. Unfortunately things like panic attacks still happen, like last night. I went out to see a movie, and spent some of it dealing with another panic attack. With practicing meditation, its been so helpful and so happy that I decided to take the steps and learn this skill. By the end of the movie, I had calmed and enjoyed myself. Meditation is really making a great impact in my life, my thoughts are no longer messy and stress levels are lowering, thank gawd.

I did have some days of anger, because there’s some people that have just decided to take me incorrectly, and have decided to make problems for me. Talking bad about me, making them look better. I realize that, when you do good things and people like and respect you. There’s going to be people who are jealous of that, or have their own problems, and like to just take that away from you. I’m not much of a person that will confront people, I just go if you want to think bad about me, I don’t need you in my life. Well of course those people ended up taking friendships away from me. I realize I got angry because the people who I thought was a good friend and who knew me, listened to those haters. It’s quite upsetting and it hurt a lot. It really pissed me off, because I spent time with them helping them, being there for them, being a friend to them, and this was my “thanks”. It pissed me off. But I’m moving forward, new chapters in my life are on the horizon. I look forward to it knowing I can embrace it with a better mind and happier thinking.

I know who I am, I’m a person who likes learning and changing. I am very happy with myself, the friends I do make and that stay around. I have a lot of fun, and a lot of good times (although its not always seemed that way lol). I look forward to socializing because there’s some truly amazing people out there. I’m learning to accept the good things that people think of me, something that has been hard in my past. It’s time for that to change and know I’m a good person, know that I do the best I can to help out my friends. Not everything has a negative subtext to it.

I have also been quite sick lately, spent Halloween throwing up, breathing was all weird. Nothing bad came from it, I’m going to see some doctors about pains I’m experiencing. Head seems all foggy and there’s some bumps in some places in the back of my head causing some issues. So hopefully it’s just some stupid infection or something. It has been going on for a couple of weeks. The weather in the part of Australia I live in, has been crazy to say the least. It would be warm one day, the next day its cold for five days, then it would be hot again. So I blame the weather, why not? Weather like that isn’t exactly my favorite. I know most people would think Australia is hot all the time, but it depends what part of this country. The part I live, is towards the bottom which is near the cold air of Antarctica, so yeah… burrrrrr it gets cold at times lol.

But that’s it, all I wanted to share just a quick update. Letting people know I’m getting better and happier. I use this platform so I don’t keep things bottled up. Which is bad, so don’t do it reader. And thanks for being part of this journey of self discovery.

Rob Reflections… Don’t lose them

Hello Readers, You know by now these blogs are generally thoughts and feelings that are on my mind, that I can share with you and hopefully provide some education on life in general. I wanted to talk about something that is quite personal, and a bit emotional. I feel it is something a lot of people do, and it can be hard.

For anyone in a relationship, anyone who is with the person they truly love in their heart, who you know is the one for you because they make you feel so many emotions you didn’t even know you had. All I can say, is cherish each moment, because you don’t know how much time you have left with them. You don’t know how long it is going to last.

Mistakes are part of human life, and before you can stop it, a mistake has been made and that person sees you differently and they lose love in you. You could lose them forever. Please don’t make mistakes, make sure you cherish that person with all your heart. Make sure they are always happy, be there for them and support them. Keep yourself in check, do what you have to do to be in that relationship 100%.

If you make that one mistake and lose them, make sure its worth it. Make sure its worth losing that love. I say make sure it is worth it, because you WILL NOT predict how much you will miss them, you will not know how much you will miss telling them “I love you”. It is going to hurt you in ways you can not imagine. Its going to hurt because you know in your heart you could of prevented that mistake if you were just in check. You won’t realize that pain that is going to stay with you for a long time. All you will want to do is let out so many emotions, or even spend nights just crying. You won’t forgive yourself for hurting them, it will hurt you ten times more.

I wish I could have said this to my past self, but in a way I’m glad certain events happened. I don’t take the relationship in vein, because I loved them so much, respected them, cared about them so much. People can say “oh I will be a better person”, but no, I became a better person. I knew I had my flaws, I knew I had problems in my past that I was letting get to me and affecting how I acted in my life. I needed to get in check. I used the inspiration I received from them, and got the help I needed, developed the skills I needed in my life to be a more positive person. I don’t allow negativity to affect me so much, I take my life and history to be someone who is strong and confident in who I am. I wish I had the wake up call a while ago, but it is never too late. I needed to do this for me.

Things might be different now, but my love for them will not change. I will continue my promise I made a long time ago, to make them happy. I keep this goal, because things could of been a lot worse. I could have never seen them ever again. But I’m so blessed to still have this person in my life, as they are just a true shining star. Their personality is something so unique, and to be cherished at all times. I will never meet someone like them ever again, they are a once in a lifetime person. I love them truly for them, who they are and always will be.

I wanted to make things up to them, by making myself who they wanted me to be, because I knew I deserved to be a happier person. I am a happier person for having knowing them. They never wanted to change who I was, but show me who I can be, my potential of being someone who I deserved to be. They know my past, and they know who I am, and they knew I could be better, and not let things keep me down. They showed me I can be happy, they showed I can be loved and they showed I deserve a good life. I thank them for that from the bottom of my heart.

All I can say is, I feel like I hit a jackpot having them in my life, and not everyone gets that chance. If you do get that chance, don’t let it go so easily. They will make you feel things you didn’t even know you could feel. Appreciate the time you have, because it could go in an instant. They’ll always be in my heart, and I will continue to be there for them 100%.

Rob Reflections… Regret

Hello Fab Readers out there,
I enjoyed myself writing up a reflection blog last time that I thought I would do so again this time. I really wanted to start going through things like my flaws, or my experiences that have happened in my life, and convey them in a way that I learn from them. in hope that someone else who is also going through something similar, they can also learn to.

What has been going through my mind lately that I wanted to talk about, was regret. It is one of those funny things to experience. We say “Live life without regret” and it sorta bothered me. To those who haven’t regretted anything, how do you know you’ve cared, or loved, or lost anything so meaningful to you.

This year has shown a lot of different challenges, as well as my entire life. As you probably have read. There’s some things I wish I could have done over and did them differently, but I can’t say I’ve truly regretted. It’s always been a “well this happened, I wish it didn’t, lets move on”. That is fine because there’s a lot of situations where you can come from them and resolve them to gain closure, or pick up where you’ve left off. I’ve done that so many times before, something that has happened that could of been handled better, I went back and resolved the issue or I simply said I can’t spend anymore energy on this negativity and walked away.

The first time that I can remember, feeling regret is this year. More recently, the last two months. I lost something that was so close to my heart, and it was so beautiful. The happiest I had been in such a long time, I lost it. I lost that because I wasn’t completely in my mind 100%. I was prioritizing things that shouldn’t of been high on the list. I made mistakes early on, that I really regret. I wasn’t thinking with a clear mind, and I should of expressed more, and focus more on the fact that I was happy. The negativity that I was feeling from other things was on the face, affecting me more than my happiness with them.

I learned so much from them; I learned even more how to see things more positively first, I learned not to take things personally, and learned to try and see a good side first before just taking something to a dark place. As you know with my year so far there was a lot of stress that I’ve not felt before, and yes my mind and priorities weren’t correct. So something that I completely treasured and still do, wasn’t going to be the same anymore.

So I bring this up because this is the first time that I can truly understand regret for not being someone I should of been. I regret that I wasn’t completely true to myself, and that I hurt them. I feel this regret because I can really deeply feel it and wish there were things as second chances, but even then things might not be the same as it was. I feel that something that was so close to me, is not as it was. You know obviously I cry at times, most of the time I feel alright and you know, just think of them and want them to be happy because I’ve always wanted the best for them. I was not at the time, my best. Which I regret wholeheartedly that I should of given my best.

What do we take away from this? Well, I can take this as an experience to be the person I want to be again, the person I know I am. I’m going to take this regret and hold onto it, so I don’t make the same mistakes. Which is why I believe we need things like regrets in our lives, we need to feel that pain and sorrow to know what NOT to do next time, if there is a next time. I don’t believe someone can have a life of no regrets, that just means that person feels they’ve made no mistakes. Not everyone is perfect, so they would have to make mistakes. I think a person who cares, is passionate, and has lost, is someone who does have life with some regrets, it shows they are simply human. Take regrets and learn from them to be a better person. Take regret and learn from them, so you make less to no mistakes in the future. If you can avoid regrets, than I hope you are happy. But if you do end up with some regrets let it mold your life and who you are. We need to learn, to move forward.

Rob Reflections – The Tests of 2017

Hello my wonderful people. I originally wanted to start back writing a blog about happiness and what it means to me in this world. But as I was writing it I started reflecting on this year and the tests I’ve faced. So I wanted to share that with you today. Whether it is someone reading this to get a better understanding of me, or if you go through some of this yourself and learn from each other. I just want to express myself in a way that is therapeutic, as well as trying to connect.

I started reflecting and started wondering what has been so bad about me this year. I got thinking about all the things that have happened, and all its challenges. It’s been a year so far that’s been like no other for me and its been different to comprehend.

in the first quarter of this year my family faced something that was unexpected. My Father’s workplace, whom he has worked there for 30+ years, was shutting down. My Dad would find himself for the first time, in so many decades, without a job. It was difficult to comprehend that, it was very strange to me. Since I was a kid growing up, Dad had worked the same shifts, did the same work, for my entire life. Suddenly that was coming to an end and it is hard to process him doing anything else. There was a lot of stress of the unknown for my family, my Mother certainly having insecurities was very stressed out and taking it out like she does, its her way of coping. Added pressures onto me, but I wanted to be there for my family. Though because it was the unknown, and not knowing what to do, my priorities were up the shit. I just so badly wanted to make people happy, keep a constant, cling onto something that was “the norm” for me at any cost. But it ended up costing me. At the moment my family seems optimistic, we are okay, but it still will be tough until my father can get some sort of stability in a workplace once more.

Another test has come more psychologically, as I over indulged one night and my body didn’t like it. I had all these pains in my chest and I had worked myself up so much, stressed so badly, that even when I went to hospital and got checked out, everything was fine, but my mind didn’t accept it. My family history on my father’s side, has included heart problems. I traumatized myself so much that night, that I believed I was going to die from heart complications. This stress, this panic, ended up damaging me psychologically that I started having anxiety attacks, then to full blown panic attacks. For a LONG few months, I could hardly leave the house, go shopping, or go out and watch a movie without me having some form of an attack. My mind was so focused on my heart rate, that it is all that I could think about. Every time I felt my heart beat, I ended up making it beat faster, and thus causing panic, making it beat faster. That would lead up to an anxiety/panic attack. These attacks could last up to 10 minutes to 45 minutes. It was one of the hardest things to go through, to calm myself down and get through them. Thankfully, and yes truly thankful that I don’t experience them as much or often. I’m glad that I was strong enough to retrain my thinking and calm down, and my heart feels better now. There’s lingering effects, but I know I can work through them head on.

Going through that time, opened up a bit of a Pandora’s Box in terms of emotion. During the hard time I had, there was surprises in terms of the friendships that I had made. Being on twitch as a viewer and a moderator. It was a lot of my time being spent on there. I felt like this is all I had, there was a job to do and that’s all I could ever do. I would wake up, spend some time to myself, maybe a couple of hours, and then go onto twitch. My “work day” started, that I was watching streams, that I was moderating for channels, and that would go into the way early mornings before I’d go to sleep again. I wanted so much to ignore what was happening in my life, that I was just doing things for other people. I didn’t focus to much on myself, when it really counted. My priorities were all over the place, my emotions were bottled, because I wanted to help others. I let things happen that maybe should not of happened. I had blinded myself to too many things, because I wasn’t happy, but making others happy, I could live through that. All those bottled emotions, not dealing with them properly. Came out in a different form, that made me not seem as good of a person anymore. I lost who I was, and not since my early 20’s did I suffer a really bad depression. The depression got to that point again, that I was self harming just to silence my thoughts. My mind was going through all these negative emotions, and fears, that to stop and get a break from it, I went back to self harming.

I’m not proud of myself for that, it certainly was getting dangerous, how often I would self harm. For a solid week, it was nothing but harming myself and crying. Just to let out all these emotions. I find myself as a person, that has TOO many interests. For the average person they can take their emotions and channel that into something creative, or something they like doing to work out their negative feelings, and turn them positive. I really for a long time, forgot who I was. Those negative feelings were channeled into even more negative actions and emotions. It affected how I looked at the world, how I looked at twitch, the friends I had made, and I lost what was close to me.

I pushed people away, saying I’m alone, no one should be there to help me. But that was making me alone, which was counter intuitive. My mind didn’t know how else to handle such things that were happening. What was wrong with me, was I thought something was wrong with me. I couldn’t see what I had, I see now what I have, it was just at the time such a thick cloud around me that made me feel claustrophobic that I just pushed everything away to get space. Because of things going wrong, I took it personally when I shouldn’t have. The things that were happening were not my fault, but I took it as though it was. Which was essentially the problem. I keep letting my past effect me, I let it hold me back in a way it feels like I can not break free from it. I often feel like I don’t deserve to be happy because huge parts of my life has not been positive. I’m afraid to be happy, I feel it’s some how wrong for me to be happy. I’m afraid, just, scared to let go.

I want people not to make these mistakes. That when bad stuff happens, it happens. We need to process it, and learn from it. I’m working my way to try and think of things in different ways before I instantly think bad of it. Stuff happens and there’s multiple reasons why they do. It doesn’t always mean its because of you. The things that were going on, I blamed myself for it, and it turned out to be bad for me, because I let that happen. We need to think more of why some things happen, it isn’t always your fault. We need to understand that we can make things positive, even when we feel defeated or down. We need to take a step back and think, is this happening because of something I did wrong, or is it a problem they are going through. It can really help us not take things too personally and react so strongly so quickly. It’s worth taking some time to understand the situation properly and not act too fast.

I learned, we have more than one friend for a reason. In this crazy life, we make, hopefully, a few friends. I made a mistake of having one friend, hear all my negative emotions all the time. I realize that being on the other end of that, its very unfair on them. They like/love you for a reason, and when talking bad about yourself constantly, or feeling like that other person can’t help you. It breaks their heart. That person you are, that they like/love, fades away and it hurts them to see that in you. It hurts them to see you in pain, because they care so much about you, that they feel that pain just as much as you do.

I bring this up, because I learned when you’ve got a few friends, who love you and want to support you. If you’re going through something that is difficult. Take these problems/issues/concerns bit by bit, and work through them with different friends, and they will help you. One friend can help with one set of issues, and another friend can help you with others. And suddenly, you’ve got this network, and all these issues and concerns you have, is spread out and worked on so much more easily. You’ll feel better, faster, and get back to being who you are meant to be. So you can enjoy your time with your friends doing what you all love. Don’t put everything onto one person, because its a lot of them as well to see, and it can hurt them as much as its hurting you.

I don’t want to end this piece, suggesting I’m negative or depressed and that I don’t like myself. I learned through these experiences that I’m still a strong person. I’m learning more of who I am, and that I shouldn’t be afraid anymore. I love stuff about me, even though I have a hard time describing who I am. But who cares? You know, being someone whose diverse, and open to a lot of things, is a great thing. Means there’s ample room to experience and explore this wonderful life.

I always say to people I hate having an ego, but then again, I don’t really say what I like about myself, I always say what I don’t like. Well, you should do this along with me, just when you are feeling down, say something you like about yourself. Enjoy the things that are you.

Stuff I love about me, is that I’m a very honest person. I say what I need to say, and its always the truth. People like that about me, but can also hate that about me. Well I say, If I gave you shit covered in sprinkles and called it a cupcake, would you appreciate that as much? Obviously not, I’m sure you’d want actual cupcakes. So if I feel telling you certain truths in the style I tell you is helpful to you, then I bloody well will tell you how it is. I love being myself, what you see is what you get. No on can dispute how I talk, what I’m like and who I am. It also helps that, the people out there that want to do damage, can’t. If someone wants to lie about me to someone else who knows me, that person will go, “well that doesn’t sound like Rob at all”. That’s because, I am only me. I can’t be anyone else. So I express myself openly. I enjoy just being me and laying it all out there. Its why I do these blogs, I like being able to express myself and hopefully that someone can take lessons from me, and my mistakes, or just learn more about and understand about certain issues.

So I’ll end this reflection piece, and say to you. BE YOURSELF, and don’t be afraid to ask for help from your friends. Take a step back, think about situations more clearly. Say to yourself “is this worth getting upset over”, and also think about how you can resolve situations. Don’t loose yourself, don’t loose your friends. Enjoy your life, its the only life you have. You are the only you in this world, its a rare thing to have someone like you. There is only one you!

Life So Far… First Love

So, a few days ago I was going to write one blog post about my life so far. But as I got into it, I started to enjoy writing and writing. So it has turned into a multi-part blog post. I was going to write first about my sexuality and growing up as a gay man. Especially a guy who is different from most straight males, but also different from most gay males also. Though I will talk about that in a future post. To the future…

Anyways, as I first came into knowing who I was as a gay man in a dominated straight person country society. I knew my life was going to be, different, and a struggle. To be accepted amongst others where I lived. Until I used the internet to my advantage and used “dating sites”. I started exploring and found one guy who was gay, who liked me for me, started talking online having a good time. Until one day we met for the first time, and it was like magic. We both met each other, had a great time and that was one of many great meetings.

He was a guy who had a past, an involved past with his own medical and psychological conditions. He was a great guy who showed me that it was OK that I was a gay man, and that I was allowed to be me… because I had felt like in my country town that I could not be me, that it was wrong to be gay. I would constantly hide away who I was most of the time in fear of how people would react to me. But he made me feel great about myself, and who I was.

Learning that he had cystic fibrosis, schizophrenia and other conditions, did not stop me from knowing the person on the inside. What I learned on the inside was a wonderful person, so great to hang out with. And what he showed me as a gay person, and what he showed me as a person in general. I will never forget. We would spend what felt like every other weekend together. We became so close that I met his family, his grand mother (who meant the most to him). Even started to share a bed together. But just as friends, which seems odd right?

A complicated bond, or relationship formed over the months.┬áWith him having cystic fibrosis he would end up in the hospital every month for many days. Each time I would visit that hospital and sit on his bed. I would just be myself, and create a zone that felt like we weren’t in hospital at all. We would just sit there, watch movies on a laptop, or sneakily leave the hospital and go for a drive in the city of Melbourne for a while. Which tisk tisk we weren’t really meant to do. Though staying in a hospital for many days was depressing for him and I just wanted to keep him feeling a way that he could continue the hospital treatments. Anyone who knows this condition, it meant that many hospital visits to make sure lung function was OK and that he got the treatment he needed to keep himself alive. Sometimes he was so tired of doing all this routine and being trapped in a hospital that I wanted to be there for him. Keep him somewhat happy, and knowing that someone was there for him.

This complicated relationship, I started to call a “marriage without sex”, because we were so close to one another. I trusted him so much, and loved him so much. Though I found out early that he was a guy, who could not keep a relationship. He felt that, doing anything physical with someone that he would get bored with them and that he would leave. He did not want to do that to me. He wanted to keep me in his life, because I was special to him, and I understood that. He did not want to loose me from his life, though as a man and someone that I was in love with, I wanted the full experience.

For most of the time, I was a virgin, and felt that he did not want me because I was. So in some strange way, I felt that me being a virgin was an issue. I started to explore more of online dating, and social media. A friend of mine that I had also known, I got him to take my virginity, I told this guy about it. It did not seem enough. So I started to use apps like Grindr, and fucked more guys to gain experience, and I got more depressed thinking “Why am I not desirable?” and “Why doesn’t he want me in that way?”. I started to have like a very “deviant” sex life, with a few different men, because I thought that’s what “he” wanted, to have someone experienced so he was not bored. I was literally being sucked off in an outdoor area, with no emotion because I wanted him so badly as a full relationship, but needed that experience. I was feeling numb to sex.

This guy who I felt so much love for… got raped by an ex relationship, another male. He felt so much trust in me, that I was the only male he’d ever want to be around. All I was feeling, and thinking was, is he OK and what does he want me to do, to feel safe and to feel that he won’t be attacked again by another male. I remember spending so much time with him shaking, scared, and filled with so many nightmares when we were in the same bed. It was a troubling time, all I thought about was his best interest and what can I do to make him feel safe in this world again, and introduce slowly what we would do together and what we would do in the city in public. It did not take long for him to become more confident and gain that courage as a person to be himself again.

This were great, I loved being with his family, I loved being around him and so many, many, many weekends together. Even weeks in his families beach house. All that we did together. I was met with many disappointments. During my 21st birthday, he could not make it, but was able to be there for someone else. The times where I was very suicidal and in hospital, he could not make it because of someone else. All those times I wanted to give up, he could not be there as he would make some excuse. I always gave him leeway because of his condition, though there was times he could of been there but preferred to be somewhere else. He would prefer to be with some “fling” some man that was the “current” boyfriend or fuck buddy until he was bored of them. He would rather be fucking some random person that to help me when I was having a hard time.

All the things, that I did for him. The hospital visits, being there what seemed like all night. The weekends, and week that we would spend together. The family events we would share. It seemed that when I needed him most, he would rather be with some “fuck buddy” instead. I felt like some… back up boyfriend.

When he decided that he “really wanted to try” and be with a guy, really wanted to make a relationship work. He told me that we could not share a bed anymore, and do what we normally did. I felt, I did not know what I felt, because every other “boyfriend” he had, we would still kiss, and cuddle, and share a bed together while we sleep. Though this time it “was different” and all of these things we did together due to how close we were. I could not? Now this was someone who gave me a key… a key to his flat he was living at, and a key to his car. That is how close we were, that he trusted me that much. Though suddenly we could not be that close, due to some random guy he had just met?

So that was an adjustment, I was really┬ádepressed. That some random person, who hardly knows anything about him, took “my spot” and was the most important person to him. It was hard, but I accepted that he wanted to make a relationship work, I respected that he needs his life and for him to be happy. If me being his partner was not it for him, than that is fine. I would continue to be a friend… until that relationship between him and this other guy did not work out. Then he told me, “So Rob come up to the family house and stay the weekend.” I was like “OK sure, but where would I sleep?” He said to me “While in my bed with me of course.” – I did not know what to think, for many months I was not allowed to be near him or in the same bed as him, but when his relationship failed. I was suddenly given the OK to be in the same bed again? I felt like I was nothing but a “back up” boyfriend to him. That I was only there to fill some sort of void when he did not have a relationship that he wanted. He would treat me like such a partner, but could not take that extra step to actually be with me. That I was someone he could turn “on and off” as a partner so he was not alone all the time. I felt used, after all we been through. That he’d treat me as some sort of person he could rely on, until he got someone else to satisfy him in other ways. And when the relationship failed he could rely on my to fill certain voids.

So I had to make a tough decision, for me to move on, for me to have a life of my own. I had to leave it, and him all behind. I do not regret it, but I certainly miss someone who I really loved, but was someone who would not love me in the same way, nor take the leap to take that extra step to be an actual couple. I felt very much like I was some sort of “back up” boyfriend while he had no one else. It was very hard to walk away from, because he was that first love I ever had. But there is no point right? to stay with someone who would treat you like a “back up” partner, who gave you keys to their life, but did not want to ACTUALLY be with you?

So all those great memories, which I do keep close to me… I miss, because what seemed like a great partnership, was more or less, me being a secondary, or back up, partner while he was alone. That will always be with me, will always hurt, I will always love… but I needed to have my own life with someone, and not be “on call” as a faux boyfriend when someone else is single.